A melting away...

My heart breaks with the news of the school shooting in CT. I really can't seem to get over it, and at the same time, I don't want to. 20 parents came home to decorated trees and stockings hanging, but missing a huge piece of their hearts. I am so angry that some seek to find a reason that will make them feel safe. They can't believe in their hearts that someone could be evil. They have to have another reason why this happened, and why if they surround themselves with people not like "that", then it won't happen to them. Others feel the need to use it as a podium for their political stand on gun control or the lack there of. I wish the "simplicity" of it could settle in people's minds. We are sinful by nature. We HATE light. When you truly hate, you will do anything that is the opposite of love. Anything. This is why it happened. Because hate is an evil thing harbored in hearts of man kind. Pure Evil. Your hate may be on a different level, but it's there. All it takes is a little work here and a little pressure there from satan and your hate will intensify. Your hate is no better then his was. It's simply not as intense.

But why glorify him by analyzing who he was and why he did anything.

20 babies sleep with God each night. There's a beautiful song that I pray when someone I now has gone. And when these babies had gone. "The angel's wings cover you tonight, Hallelujah, press your head against the breast of Christ, Hallelujah."

My heart breaks at the thought. I've heard of such great tragedies before and not been rocked as I am now. BUT, it. is. good. It is good that I am shaken. It is good that sin has shown it's evil face and I have broken at the ugliness of it. We as Christians have become so numb to the evening news. People are murdered on a daily basis and we, I, don't blink from preparing evening dinner. But this time, this time it overwhelmed me. I have held my children every day the past week and thought of the parents who didn't know they wouldn't hold their babies again. The parents who went to bed two nights in a row while the lifeless body of their child still lay on the cold tile floor of the school while police and medical examiners documented everything.

I just can't stop aching. Pray against evil. Pray hard. Tell the world the good news of Jesus and pray they are given the only thing that can bring true light and love into their hearts. True Love.

I know that's heavy and sad. I'm not sorry for it. We need to become desensitized to the depravity of mankind. We just do. I do.

My sweet Madison is still so young and simple minded. Of course we have not talked with her about it, but we have tried to love on her every moment we could. That Friday night we had a fire in the fireplace although it was 70 something out, invited family and friends over and had a pizza picnic in front of the tree. She had a blast. She still asks to do it again. I crawled in her bed with her and read Green Eggs and Ham for the millionth time, and I was sure to go really really slow. We looked at every part of every picture and giggled at all the silliness. I can't tell you how many times she has gotten to stay up late this week, just for cuddle time and "one more book".

We've also been doing advent with her, focusing on giving to remind us that God gave us the best gift of all, Baby Jesus. Madison has made it clear she is very excited to eat baby Jesus!! What she means by that is his birthday cake. :)

We've taken her to buy and wrap gifts for mom, dad and Eden, talked to her all about the nativity while she played with our figurines, gave food to a food pantry and coins to the bell ringers. Yesterday we made and decorated cookies for all our neighbors. We gave each one a note telling them about baby Jesus and how we are learning about giving while we get ready to celebrate his birthday.

Today we found a special little silver gift bag by our door. There was a tiny puppy in it, which during nighttime prayers she finally named by saying, "And thank you for Figaro my tiny tiny puppy because he so so so so cute!" (that may not have been the exact quote, but all the important parts are there.) And a note. A very sweet note written on two purple post-its. It read:

"Dear little neighbor, thanks for the candy, cookies and nice note. You did a great job decorating them and they were very good!! When we got home and found your gift it really helped me feel better because a doctor had just tole me that day that I have skin cancer. I am so glad you know about Jesus! Thanks for making me feel better. We all had a cookie and some candy. You are special!! We hope to meet you someday soon. Merry Christmas, Love and Blessings."

God's timing is beautiful.

After a week of emotions and sadness. A week of looking at my girls and wondering what in the world I would do "if". Seven slow days of constantly remembering that 20 parents are not able to do what I get to do with my little girls.

After a week, god has shown me beauty. He has shown me a melting away of evil. He has reminded me what baby Jesus came for. To save our souls and fil our hearts with love that we may love and bless others in a way only one filled with the Spirit can do. A way we can only do with his guidance. Perfect example, if we didn't have the love of Christ in our hearts and the desire to show it to our girls, we would have made cookies for ourselves alone. Forget all that work for the neighbors! My little girl not only helped this woman to feel some joy yesterday, but in turn showed her mommy what God intends the world to look like. that amidst the evil and hate, He is there, working. He is there loving. He is there holding. He is there changing lives.

Yes, it is good to be shaken by such evil. To not be numb to it. To recognize satan's work. BUT, God is at work in even greater ways, no matter how the sin of the world has attempted to cover it up.

He has already used those 20 little lives to change thousands of others. A much greater work then satan could have predicted. Satan never wins.

three. point. one.

Miles that is. Three point one miles. I can do this right??

It's chili. Not too bad though. I love that my father-in-law's car has working heat. Stupid knob in ours broke over a year ago, and we thought, who needs it living in Texas and Florida, right? Right. Gosh I'm nervous. It doesn't make sense though. I'm really just being dumb. Really dumb. People run more then this every day... for fun. But I need this. I just do. I need an accomplishment more then the dishes or changing a days worth of diapers. Couldn't tell you who for other then me of course.

Gosh, I'm really a little jumpy in my stomach. This is so dumb.

I'm doing good. Enough time for breakfast from Burger King. Some OJ and sausage, egg and cheese crissont. Oh theirs is so much better then Mcd's. Better not eat too much of it though. The OJ hits the spot! The lady at the window wants me to have a nice day... too bad she has no clue I'm about to go torture myself for almost 40 minutes. Man, I hope I can do it in 40 minutes. I hope I can do this without walking.

Lord, if you could just give me this one. Please.

Getting close... gosh, their are lots of people already. He's loud and obnoxious... really?? He drove here from Miami? For this? Yep, he's going to make sure everyone knows it... oh, and off comes his shirt. I'll steer clear of him for sure. Yep, I'm preregistered. Goody bag in hand... sad day. Just a bunch of fliers from sponsors. Could have at least thrown in a Gatorade or something. Unless theirs something I don't know about how dumb it is to run after drinking Gatorade. Gosh, I'm so lame.

Wait, oh, they know me... oh gosh. Don't act dumb or nervous or divulge too much info about how your not going to be able to run this whole thing like a wimp and then your going to cry about it. To late. I need to learn how to filter. Sure I'll run with you... but I won't be able to keep up and I'll simply feel embarrassed, but I did warn them my pace was super slow.

stretch. walk. kill time. pet the pretty golden lab.

There's a six year old boy with his dad. How sweet is that. He's going to remember this forever. And he's going to run faster then me.

Lining up... yep, you said all of that in the three emails you sent. Find the middle area. Don't go to the front, you'll just embarrass yourself. Don't go to the back, you'll set yourself up for failure. Nod to the other girls, set up your music... he said go... don't you dare cross that line until your already jogging.

Every. Step. Must. Be. At. A. Jog.... well at least I started it the way I wanted to.

And look, they are already faster paced then me... that's ok. Don't get caught up in their pace. You've got yours memorized. You know what your breath sounds like. You know what your feet sound like. You know what your hips and knees and ankles and feet feel like at your pace. You've got yourself memorized... stick with it. Don't get caught up in the rush. You've got this. Listen to the words. I love this song. Just sing to it in your head. Your starting off great!

It's beautiful. My chill is almost gone. Just moving. Double check sounds of my breathing... yep. I'm still on my usual pace. Nice.

Gosh, look at their heads bobbing over the bushes way up there around the bend. they are so fast. That's just insane. There's the boy with his dad. Look at him run circles around his dad as if this is nothing! I bet he will get a good nap when he gets home. Maybe I should start my girls off running that young. Maybe. That's if I stick with this... few... this. is. getting....

One mile. done. Boys with water... no, I don't want to even try to grab a cup. I'm good. Make sure to say thank you. Keep on trucking.

Right turn. There's already people on the other side of the street headed up the last mile. She's waving to one. No, two. Take out headphones... I think she's talking to me. Her son! Wow, he's in the lead. Her husband right behind him. How did she end up all the way back here with me. She's so encouraging. She's right. Of course I'm not going to stop jogging. I've got this.

I'm actually going to pass someone. Such a dear old man. He looks as if he's going to fall over. He can barely stand up straight to run... sweating like crazy. He's doing amazing. I want to give him a hug so bad! Wave, call to him that he's doing great. He's got this. thumbs up. I hope he was encouraged. I hope I helped some.

Cows. Madison would love to see the cows. It's such a pretty morning.

There are the girls I started with on the other side of the road. They are not that far ahead. I know I'm close to the other side of the road. I know I'm close to half.

Few... turning... Ok, Lord, I need my second wind. I need it now. There's a sea of people ahead of me. I know I'm not last, but I'm not far from it. I can't really do this. I know it. I've never done more then 2.5 miles and I've only done that twice... over a week ago! This is ridiculous.

Lord, it's nothing to ask you to give me this. It won't effect anything in the grand scheme of things. I need you to show me your going to give me this. I just do.

Another turn.

I'm past half way. Just listen to the music. Sing it in your head. Watch the birds flying. Listen to your breathing. Still on pace. Nice. That's something. Listen to your feet. Feel your body move. No. Never mind. Don't feel your body. Don't pay attention to the details. Just listen to the music.

Right turn... two miles done. Not bad. But I knew I could do two miles. It's going to get harder from here. How's that second wind coming??

Is that?? Yes, yes, it is! that's my car. That's my hubby! He's driving the rout. Oh, don't tear up now, don't loose it now. You still have so far to go. My baby girl is waving. Blowing a kiss, did she catch it?? Take that energy. Take that moment and keep going. Don't get too excited. Listen to my breathing... yes, I'm still on pace.

Water table... ok nice boy... we'll try this. Hmm... getting close... those runners all took water from the kids on the left... poor guy on the right, just wants to help. Point to him... dang, he's holding out a bottle... no. "Cup". Yes. Just in time. Nice job. Don't forget to say thank you... oh stink! Water, control the water... sip... that's good enough. Dump it and trash the cup... few. Just enough to stop the dry throat.

We've got to be close to 2.5... just have to. There are so many people in front of me. So many I can't even see. So many that are already done as if this was nothing to them. Why can't they see it's not nothing to me. I need to get this. I know there are others behind me. Not many, but there are.

Visualize. I'm right in the middle. Bird's eye view. There are just as many behind me as there are in front. Nice. See, you got this, you can keep up. You're ok. Keep that view. Hang onto it...

Big curve. Yes, I know I'm getting there... wait. I hear a car. They are coming up behind me. My family. I love my family. My girl is waving. My baby is chilling in her car seat, along for the drive. Madison is so excited to see me. I can't wait to hug her.

Keep on running. I know I've hit my max achieved. I'm going to break that today. I know I can.

Lord, Please let me have this.

I see it... It's still far but I see the tent top. Here come the trees lining the street. I'm in the area. I have to be at 3 miles... I just have to... curve. It's not just around the curve after all.

I can't believe this. I'm so close and yet I'm not going to make it.

Music. Breath. Still on pace. But for how long??

Another curve. It's not just around that one either. I'm actually not going to make it. It's never going to be just around the curve is it? This is ridiculous.

Being passed again... wait a minute... it's the old guy!! He must have gotten all warmed up because he's running perfect now. Sweating like a pig, but running like he does this every day! Ha! He probably rolled his eyes at my attempt at encouragement. Now I feel really dumb!

Aching. Can't listen to my body anymore. I'm certain I have a blister on a really odd spot on my foot. Stop listening to your body. Don't feel it. Just listen to your breath. Check. Now just listen to the music. Sing in your head.

There's a guy! wait... that's not where we started. Point one mile left... really?? Still?? I'm so close and I'm actually not going to make it. I've beat my best. But it's not what I set out for. It's not going to satisfy me. I have one tenth of a mile left. One tenth. And I'm not going to be able to do it.

Ok Lord, you've got me this close. I need a second wind. I need something. Show me your going to let me have this.

Visualize. Crossing that line with Aaron and the girls to meet you. I'm going to cry. Why is this so emotional for me?? What in the world? Just picture hugs all around. You've got this. That's the goal.

Your doing it. It's there... it really is around this curve.

There they are! But they are a bit in front of the finish line... Ahhh. I can't just scoop her up. I can't just run into Aaron's arms... She's running with me... my sweet little girl. Such a beautiful smile. She's freaking adorable! She's running with me.

There are the girls. Yep, the ones I couldn't keep pace with... really?? They are coming back for me? Oh wow, they have a much larger pace... oh but it kind of feels good on my hips. Here we go...

Check the clock. 35:35. Yes, under 40 minutes.

Stop, breath. No, walk. Walk it off. Turn around. There's my girl. Scoop her up, bring her to the finish line too. She's so excited to run the race with mommy. Hugs. Smiles. Kisses. My baby in my husbands arms, smiling and kicking at the sight of me. He's proud of me.

There's the mom with the campion son. She knew I could do it too.

I've accomplished it. Thank you, Lord. You gave it to me. You let me have it. Such an insignificant thing, but you decided I could have it. Thank you.

Juice table. and they have bananas. God is good.
Now to get home and prep our Thanksgiving dinner. And what a good day for it.

Reflections

I look at my sweet babies faces and can't believe I they are mine to cherish, to nurture and raise in this world. It blows me away.

I have the sweetest 2 1/2 year old in the world, and I can't believe for a moment that is a bias opinion. She's never been through terrible two's. She is so verbal it's insane, constantly pulling out words we didn't know she had stored in there and sentences far beyond what I see most her age using. She is a nurturer at heart and is full of compassion. She cries if the dog is in trouble! She is sensitive and curious. She knows what she wants. She is my sweet pea. My amazing little girl with beautiful brown curly hair, hazel eyes, my nose and her daddy's dimples.

So how could I ever love another being as much as I am overwhelmed by how much I love her??

You hear people say it's instant love the minute you meet your sweet child. No matter how that child became yours. And it's unbelievably true!

So when your smitten by your toddler and find yourself overcome by how much and how deeply you love them, and your pregnant, you wonder. Can I possibly love my second child as much?? Will I play favorites, just because this was my first baby and she got the extra "new mommy" love tokens??

And then you see her. You actually see her as your giving birth to her. I know, maybe that's a bit weird, but what an amazing and wondrous moment in time! My body completing for the second time one of the greatest things it was created to do aside from glorifying God, and how was this miracle not glorifying Him! And this tiny little raisin was placed on my chest with all her screaming and crooked nose. It was so crooked! At one point Aaron looked at me and asked if it was going to fix itself later on. I reassured him that surgery would do the trick if it didn't. :)

There wasn't this sudden realization. There wasn't a feeling that washed over me. There wasn't anything extraordinary. Just the joy and busyness of the nurses and midwife. Just the cry of our new baby girl and the excitement shared between Aaron and I as we admired her. But, even without something to draw attention to it, it still happened. I still fell head over heals in love with this little baby girl, as I knew I would.

It's so hard to describe when you try. To put into words how you love them the same, to the same strength, more then anything of this world. Not one more then the other. To the point your overwhelmed when your thinking of it. Overwhelmed to the point of feeling the tingle you get right before your eyes grow moist. Or your smiling ear to ear without even realizing it yet.

Our little smiling infant. Our people loving baby who loves to laugh and giggle at just about everything! I mean everything! She's barely 7 months old and crawling and pulling up to standing. She's so aggressive with finger food even though it hasn't even been quite a month since she started eating solids well. She's playful and moody! She snuggles into me when she nurses and it warms the deep parts of me. She wants what she wants, when she wants it! Our hands will be full with her! She's as bald as can be with a few random strands a few inches long. She also has my nose, which straightened out, and her daddy's dimples.

Her eyes are becoming the same beautiful hazel as her big sisters.

Sometimes I wonder as I play with Eden if Madison wonders if I love her more. Of course at 2 1/2 years old she probably has no concept of that yet, but when the thought pops in my mind I can't help but quickly rebuttal in my brain that I couldn't possibly love one more then the other!

A momma's heart is a strange thing. Strange, and beautiful. Moody and brought to frustrations others may not grasp. Needy for the love and affection only their children can provide. Joyful at the little moments other's didn't see.

I've heard people speak of the love you have for your children the moment they are yours. I've experienced it twice, though I couldn't tell you the "moment" it happened. I just knew it was there. As if it always had been and was just looking for it's way to the surface. I can't explain it, and I can't help but wonder, whenever we are blessed with a third, will it happen all over again? I know it will. I am confident it will be as deep and full as with Madison and Eden. But I can't help but wonder how it could be possible to have even more of a mother's love then I already have! How can it be contained?! It is a mystery.

something of value

I have wanted to update this for a bit, but just haven't gotten around to it. So, here's a nutshell with a few reflections to share.

In June we left Texas since we were still getting paid from Aaron's compensation package. (They make it sound like a sweet deal with that title and all you "get" with it, but it's really just to glaze over the fact that you lost your job unexpectedly from their mistakes... yes, I'm still bitter and yes, I am still choosing to ignore it instead of deal with it. But at least I recognize it, right??) So we could travel and have a "vacation" without worrying about a paycheck for a bit.

We visited and stayed with a few of Aaron's students along the way in Houston and New Orleans. We were able to visit the French Quarter, which was new for both of us. After a LONG 15 hour drive that was meant to be 12, with a 3 month old and a 2 year old, as well as some marital strife, we finally made it to SW Florida.

We were intending to stay for 3 weeks and then travel up to NC for a few weeks, and finally back to Kentucky to pick up where we left off when this Texas job swept us off our feet. After our shorter then expected tumble head over heals, here we were, bruised from the fall, in SW Florida. Clueless and bitter. We began to see how someone else's mistake was really going to effect us in full force. So much was given up to go in the beginning. We'd have so much more accomplished with Aaron's school if we never went. But how were we to know. Looking back, if we had known it was only going to be a year, we don't know if we would have even gone.... but we don't know that we wouldn't have either. It would have been an entirely different mindset to know up front I guess.

So, after a handful of weeks, we chose to stay in Florida. It's the first time we chose to live somewhere with no real "reason" as to why we were there. I can't begin to express the things we talked about, struggles we tried to work through, feelings and emotions drawn out. All while living with family in cramped spaces, trying to keep the appearance of having it all together in this step. It exhausts me to think about again. I don't think I even know fully what Aaron was going through/dealing with during that time. He was trying to keep from piling more on me, and I was trying to do the same with my feelings and emotions. Yes, it was a lot. It's also why I haven't updated in a bit. I just haven't wanted to think about what our summer looked like for us.

We went back and forth with our decision up until the day we put our first months rent and deposit down on our new place. We just didn't have any strong, good reasons to be anywhere. I had to start working at a day care to help until Aaron found a reliable job. Again, I can't express the emotions this brought out. I enjoyed the work and talking to adults during the day, but I struggled with the girls being in daycare, even though they were in the same building as me. It was bitter sweet as most would say about being a working mom. But God took care of us and after a few months I was able to stop working and stay home again. God has provided through Aaron's job and I have been able to nanny a few days a week for a little extra.

We've lived in our new place for 2 months now. I think we are finally "settled" in. Or at least close. I still get frustrated that we can't just unpack everything and live here with the mentality that we are here to invest and stay for a bit. At the same time, it's hard to live with that mentality when we don't want to be here for a while.

I struggle some with wanting to just be the normal family that doesn't have to think about how much work or effort we are willing to put into moving in because it's just temporary. I don't want to wonder when the next opportunity may come along and we do this all over again. And yet, maybe that opportunity will finally be the one that we can settle in for a while. If that's the case, bring it on! I'm ready! I'm torn between how much we invest here and now, and knowing we just don't know how long this will be for. I don't want to do all this again, and yet, I am expecting it to come at any minute. It prevents me from giving 100% in either direction.

I knew this would be an issue. I knew I would hold back. But I am trying.

I still see effects of someone else's mistakes. Little things overlooked, realized and "fixed" in the best interest of those who made the mistake to begin with. Yes, I am still bitter. When I think about them and where they are all at now, I know they brushed their hands clean and kept operating as though it had never happened. Taking as short a moment as they needed to adjust to their new way of operating. Most didn't blink and eye. They won't know or understand the emotional and mental issues brought out for us. They don't have to know it, so why would they try. I wish they could feel as Aaron did about himself and his abilities, just for a moment. I wish they could experience it so they could do things differently for the next guy they put out. (which I can say knowing they eventually will, since we were not the only ones at this time either.)

No. I'm not going to deal with it yet, so don't encourage me to.

So here we are.

On a lighter note, I really like our new place. It's very open and spacious, and we have a real working fireplace! Of course, we won't need it near as much as I would like for this time of year, but that's ok too. Fall hasn't arrived here yet, and it won't, which makes me a little sad and "home sick". Not really home sick though. Just makes me think a lot about how it "should" feel right now, which is discerned based on memories of things we did this time of year in the weather we "should" be having right now. And I'm so very excited for Thanksgiving.

It's a busy month for me and I'm a little overwhelmed at some deadlines coming up in a matter of days, but we will get there. Even if goals are not achieved. I can't help but feel as though they MUST be met though. As though these accomplishments will prove that something has been productive. Something has value during this season. I need something to have value and productivity where we are at right now. I just do. Even if they are just stupid personal goals and motivations to try something. If they aren't met, no one is going to know but me anyway.

But, I will know. I guess that's the point of personal goals. My OCD perfectionistic self will know. How in the world did a youngest child end up with so much First born traits?! It is my stumbling block and the thorn in my flesh.

Madison is more and more verbal every day... literally. Some of the things she says are incredible. She's just about 2 1/2 and she has yet to go through "terrible twos". She's a very sweet and polite little girl who usually uses her manners. We have our melt downs and tantrums, but nothing I would describe as "terrible". Nor is it all the time. And we can usually have pretty descent talks about them. She absolutely loves anything girly! I love watching her pretend with her dolls and little house with the kitchen. She's pretty incredible. She loves music like no child I have ever seen, but she always has. She plays on the drums after church a lot and can actually keep a beat. She has never just sat there and beat on the drums just to beat on them. She's actually tried to play them, and even adds some singing now and then. I'm pretty sure we are going to have a musician of some sort with her.

Eden is a few days shy of 7 months and she began sitting from laying down on her own 3 weeks ago, before she could sit without support. But she mastered that within a few days and 4 days after that began crawling and pulling up to her knees on the same day. This past week she has been pulling up to her feet and just yesterday started walking her feet in to thing. I'm pretty sure she will be taking solo steps by Christmas. It's insane how much she has learned in the last 3 weeks. She's still as bald as can be and looks way to young to be crawling. We are certain she is going to be super advanced and athletic. She is a mover and a go getter!

Madison is now in a toddler bed as of this week, and loves it. She was in her crib with the one side off, so it was pretty much a big girl bed anyway, but now we are able to put Eden in the crib, which is nice. Eden still refuses to sleep through the night. We've literally tried every trick in the book. She insists on two feedings minimum. 7 months of this is exhausting!! We are hoping to really work on this, but then again, we have been for months and I'm running out of ideas!

We also have a new dog named Daisy. She's a sweet King charleston Cavalier. She's a pretty dog and loves to be right next to you all the time. She's good with the girls and lets them play around with her. She does bark a bit, but we are working on it. She didn't use to beg for food at all, but Madison has been sure to reverse that! We are really trying to work on that now, as she's getting bold enough to snatch food (gently) right from Madison's hands, since she's on her level.

I am really enjoying being home with my girls. I am enjoying watching them grow and change. I'm really REALLY excited that tomorrow is Halloween, mostly because it marks the start of the holiday season to me. And I absolutely LOVE this time of year. I'm pretty excited to have it to look forward to and I can't wait to make it as special as I can. Our family deserves something special, and I really want to pour all I can into making it just that. I know it may mean more to me then to the rest of my family, but they can't argue when they will get to enjoy it too!

A Righteous Anger

I have so much anger welling up inside of me today.

It goes beyond a crazy day of stupid directions with incorrect abbreviations, causing over 20 miles of aimless driving with a screaming almost 4 month old. Beyond the chiropractor (NOT doctor) giving my girls the back to school physical needed for preschool by simply listening to their heartbeat and taking Maddie's blood pressure, deciding nothing else on the checklist was applicable since it was preschool and not real school, but the $20 each sure was still applicable.

No, this is a righteous anger. An anger demanding a justice beyond a river of fire and ceaseless screams of terror. A justice I cannot give.

A justice I deserved once.

But I have been bathed in the blood of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and I have inherited the dwelling of the Holy Spirit, who guides me through a rough path of sanctification, urging me to be angry at things that would anger God Himself.

Those things, the ones that bring God to a Devine anger, those are the things I am fuming with now.

Not to me. I am not the one hurt. I am not the one living with the effects, lied to, beat down, distraught, a life completely destroyed, relationships that are suppose to be the most cherished, beyond shattered with lies and deception. For almost ten years and counting.

No. It's not my weight to carry. To struggle through. To decide the next steps. It's not mine to bear.

BUT,
it is mine to share as a sister in Christ. And I am FILLED with fury at today's discoveries.

And I hurt.
My eyes repulsed as I read. The lies willingly spewed forth, efforts to destroy and deceive while building up oneself on a mountain of falsehoods. My mind storming with defense.

If I can but tame my tongue out of necessity, and wisdom.

God asks us to be angry over things He is angry over. But to what do we do with an anger shared with God when we are helpless to move in a way only He can. No matter how passionately we want to.

How hard it is to do nothing at times.

Pray. Trust. Wait. Pray.

I share His anger. Has my anger led me to sin, or will I share his righteous love as well? Will it have a judgement of wrath in the end, or will our sovereign God bring restoration and beauty from ashes? Right now I simply desire to see his wrath bring judgement due. But how much more precious would the restoration be in the end. How much more beautiful and moving would that result be. Can I be patient for it? What if it still never comes? Can I be content with it?

Sharing a righteous anger is difficult. You can't just share the anger without sharing the grace and compassion. The desire for healing. Our flesh desires one or the other immediately. Our spirit has the reality that it takes time and workings beyond the realm of what we see. And my heart fears the patients and prayer will simply be met with destruction in the end, waisting tears, emotions and time.

And yet, somehow, no matter the path, the result, the justice, the grace... no matter how or when it plays out, God will be glorified.

I deeply and passionately pray his glorification comes swiftly and brings restoration to the innocent, revealing deceptions, trust to the deserving.

Let's be honest...

Here we go again. The sense of starting over, once again, blindsides me in quiet moments. Sometimes it's defeated with a chin held higher then the confidence to back it up. Others it is greeted warmly with a melancholy nod of knowing all too well what it will entail. What it will demand of me.

A friend of mine has a blog titled "writing is cheaper then therapy". I couldn't agree more! So, on that note, I've decided to let a little vulnerability hang out there. What I don't want from this post: your pity or every day Bible verses of encouragement. Please don't try to relate your past situations and outcomes or attempt to empathize, because, let's face it, your situations will not be the same. When it comes down to the details (which are the parts that mean more anyway) it's just not going to be the same, and I really (honestly) do not feel like pasting on a smile and saying thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I understand a kind heart's intentions, and I would feel compelled to say some of the same, but it's just not what I'm needing right now, that's all. It's not that I don't appreciate the kindness, and it's not that your situations are not just as real for you.

I told you I was going to be honest, right.

Also, do not think I'm sitting her moping around day to day, in a long term, poor me, pity party. I'm not. But, I'm processing and dealing and I just need to get some things out, because, as mentioned previously, this is much cheaper then therapy.

I'm bitter, hurt and scarred by our situation. There are things I want to say so badly to a few certain people, so they can just understand the weight of what their "oops" moment has cost. My emotions are stretched so tight it can only spring from one extreme to the other without slowing down enough to recognize the middle ground. I don't want to be in this moment any longer. I want them to know it's not fair. I want them to acknowledge it and take the blame. I just want to know they see that they have hurt us and left us in a bleak situation despite our months upon months of effort. I want them to understand they have broken my husband's personal confidence in his skills and ability to take care of his family. I want... I really want that man to know how that feels. I really want his wife to feel helplessness in encouraging it.

I want my bitterness to end. I don't want to believe writing out every specific thing I want them to hear from me will really make me feel better. It won't. No matter how much I feel right now that it will.

I'm fatigued by putting myself out there. Starting over. Making new friends. Learning their lives and showing them mine, only to walk away again. I'm hospitable and friendly, but I'm just not willing to build deep friendships any time soon. And I'm lonely. I hunger for that one person I can just call up or go have coffee with and just explode every thought, feeling and emotion with. Who will listen to each thought, see each tear, and know they are not there for a reply, just for a presence. A safe, secure presence to absorb what Aaron and I are too full to hold in. But that would mean I would have to be vulnerable with someone. And I just don't think anyone has the time for all I could emote right now. I don't think I even know what all would come out. Again, why writing is great, although I'd never say all I'd really need/want to on here. That would just be ridiculous.  I can control my rantings on here... if I sat with you for coffee and felt the release a good friend brought, I may not be able to control the emotion, and who knows what depths of honesty might pour out.

So... where are we at now?

Our little family of four has had nowhere to belong. Nowhere to call home for the past 7 months now, going on 8. Yes, we have friends and family with endlessly open arms and hearts in many states, and that is very evident to us. But it's not our home and it will not become our home, no matter how cozy we may become. Even texas wasn't home for months while we still lived in the exact same situation we were in before we found out Aaron's job was ending in May.

So, we began our travels. Our flexible plan lead us to Houston, New Orleans, and Florida. Our next step would be South Carolina, North Carolina and finally Kentucky to pick up where we left off...

But where we had left off didn't wait for us to come back.

Sure, Aaron was re-offered his old job of menial labor at average wages and inconvenient over time. Our church was still there, ministering to and serving the community. And the Seminary still stands tall, welcoming our tuition paying family to the vast amounts of knowledge it could provide.

But our friends are dwindling as they all find what God has next for them. We were there once too. We felt God calling us somewhere new to serve and lead. It's only natural for the cycle to go this way among students of any level. Your only there to learn and glean and wait to see what God has next for you. We may have gone back and been familiar with the streets, classrooms and buildings, but our relationships would mostly have to start over. I cannot express to you how tired my heart is of this. I just cannot.

So, since a ministry/church/camp job has not rung our phone with promises of employment, we have chosen as a family to stay in Florida.

We have family here and Aaron's friends from growing up. Aaron has also really enjoyed time with his brothers. He misses that a lot as we've always lived far. We don't know anyone in our stage of life, which kind of stinks. We also just don't know as of yet how to meet them.

Aaron has picked up a temp job and is waiting out the process for a "bigger better" job that will not be available until August. You can pray in that direction, as it is truly a better fit for him (and our budget).

At this point I may have to work part time as well, and I kind of like the thought of a three days a week preschool type job. The thought of Maddie in preschool is appealing. I think she would love it. She is so outgoing and has a ton of energy! It would be so good for her. Eden however, that makes the guilt pour on thicker then I'd like, but not thick enough to drown in if it's only part time. I couldn't handle the thought of her in full time day care. I wouldn't mind a very part time job either. It would help me break out of the house and hopefully meet friends.

We are staying with family and saving what we can while our car is not breaking down (twice in the past week) and eating it up. We hope to find a place to live and begin moving in by Sept. 1st, which seems like such a long time away to continue living out of suitcases. But July has gone quickly, and I hope August does to.

So there you have it. Do with it what you will. I promise I'll make the next post a little more happy. For now, I needed to get some of the negative out.

Pray for the conquering of bitterness. The desire to start new, honest, relationships (as well as the opportunities), and of course, job situations for Aaron and I. Oh, yes, and a prefect little place with the prefect price tag for us to live.

Unexpected Heartache

Someone wise (don't ask me who) once said something about every gain in life coming with a loss, and although the gain is great, you will still grieve for what you've lost in exchange.

Such truth.

Each move in my life has brought grief for the people and the place left behind. Even marriage brought some emotion on the opportunities no longer available. Becoming a mom has brought a giving up (hopefully temporary) of freedoms and adventures for myself and my husband and I as a couple.

But this one, I have not expected. I was not warned. I was not mentally prepared. It's a grief that has bruised my heart, although not broken.

I have lost...

In a sense, I have lost my little girl. My sweet Madison Grace.

She is no longer mine to keep to myself. Or rather, I am no longer hers to let her have to herself.

My "gain", my sweet ladybug, Eden Rene'. Whom I love just as deeply, with just as much passion and heart as I love my Madison.

But Madison was mine for almost two whole years. Whatever I did, I did with her by my side, and that is the point of what I write now. NOT that I don't love my Eden and want as much for her as I do Madison.

When Eden was born I wasn't expecting to grieve my time with Madison. It took my heart by surprise. The first few days home with Eden I found myself so incredibly tired and warn out, yet truly missing and wanting to play with Madison when I could... although I should have been attempting to sleep!

More then once in the first few days I would find a moment and sit on the floor to play, and Madison actually ran from me. Well, more like turned away and walked to a different area. One time when I tried a little harder she actually went to the wall saying "no, no, no, no!"

That's when my heart truly started to ache and grieve. That's when it hit home.

I'm not only hers anymore.

After the first week things went mostly back to normal. Madison wanted to play and crawl all over me once again. But I had to  constantly tell her to be gentle, as I was usually holding Eden. I have learned to balance my time between an infant and a toddler's needs much more, but there are several times where I have to choose between play and rest, even if I don't get to sleep, or a clean home and food on the table. (By clean, I mean picked up)

Madison gets less one on one since Eden still nurses every 2 hours, and I feel as though I'm neglecting her when the monitor isn't on at night. As if not being able to hear her just in case she happens to wake and need something means I've neglected her. And then if she does wake, the fight for sleep overwhelms my body as I bump Aaron and ask him to see what's the matter.

I find myself believing I'm a mediocre mom for choosing sleep or a clean house when I should spend the extra time playing with her. Or when I'm easily frustrated with her innocent attempts to play when I'm trying to take care of Eden. Or when I let her play in the back yard and I simply sit and watch because I just need a moment. But it seems as though every time I "just need a moment", it's almost always at the sacrifice of Madison's time.

I wonder if she thinks I'm as "bad" of a mom as I feel at times.
I wonder at times if she misses the mom I was before Eden came home.

The other night she had climbed into her high chair to "play" while she waited for Aaron to bring her almost finished plate for dinner. She stood up on the foot rest and began to wiggle just enough for the high chair to roll backwards while her body's momentum went forward. She hit the tile floor flat, head and all. I was nursing Eden and found that all I could do was sit up straight, scared and frozen, and Aaron ran from the kitchen to catch her up in his arms.

She clung to him full of trust and love, looking for however he was going to make her feel better as she cried a deep, gulping cry that we have rarely heard from her.

My heart broke and I teared up at the whole thing, knowing it was the biggest fall she had ever had (Her head probably fell from 4 1/2 feet high). The next day I noticed a bruise and red line on the top ridge of her ear, where it had been pinched between her head and the floor from the fall. I can't wait until it's healed and unable to remind me of the whole thing. Otherwise, she was fine, and although she wouldn't eat any dinner and cried on and off the rest of the short evening until bed, she still tried to climb back up the next morning.

But my biggest heart ache... She clung to her daddy.

Not that I wasn't glad he was there, and I'm not jealous of his chance to love on her by any means.

But she has always chosen me when she was hurt. Even if Aaron got to her first and swept her up in his arms, she has always come to me next, or requested me through her tear fill eyes. I've always been able to comfort her hurts.

But this time, I had to choose. I chose to keep feeding Eden while watching Aaron comfort her. And I watched as she didn't turn to me. She didn't request me. She laid in his arms and shared her hurt with Aaron.

To a mother's heart this hurts. It hurts because it's a realization that she has become use to the fact that I won't always be there for her anymore. That I now have two children to love and tend to. And she "understood".

She has become use to sharing me enough that she didn't request me this time.

I know this isn't how the world will see the scene, and I know that my heart is exaggerating the emotions, but I know this is what my heart feels, and it's a legitimate feeling.

A feeling I wasn't prepared for.

I find myself almost over this time of grieving having myself only for Madison as I continue on this road of motherhood. But I thought, maybe if I share it will prepare some other mother's heart. Maybe it will just help me vent mine. Maybe it will just be something for someone to read and think, well isn't that sweet, she sure loves her little girls. And maybe another mom will relate and be grateful for distant kindred support. Maybe even comfort.

No matter what, know that with every gain, there is a loss that must be grieved, but what that wise person didn't know, or at least didn't say, is that with all grief there is healing and growth. I will learn how to be the best mother to my two little girls as long as I shall live. And I will be prepared to grow and share myself among all the children God chooses to put in our family. With the end of my grief, I will simply grow and thrive.

Let's face it, you just can't grieve the loss forever. God chose me to be the mother to my children, no matter what kind of a mother I think I am. Therefore, I will strive to be a good steward of his precious, precious gifts, and in doing so, I will learn to let them know I'll never have to choose who has more of me at a time.

I don't know how a mother does this yet, but God will teach me. It just takes a heart willing to learn, and I have to let go of the grief so my heart can focus on the learning.

Eden's eventful, intense, and overwhelming miracle birth

Our sweet little ladybug decided to say hello to this bright world on April Fool's day, which also happens to be Palm Sunday this year. Her birth was a great reminder of a triumphant entry, full of surprises that just don't happen to anyone! Not even us!

I have to admit, I don't like the sound of the month April. I've been praying throughout that God would allow us to have

a March baby, considering Eden's due date was only April 6th, I didn't think a week early was too much to ask. However, just as I preferred Madison be born in May (when her due date was) God had other plans!

(I have to admit, this will probably get long...)

I'd been having plenty of harder braxton hicks for a few hours almost each night for a week and half, but they never turned into anything. On the second to last day of March, I spent some great time with girl friends going to tea, getting pedicures, and just enjoying the day without our kids, or work. It was wonderful. (I'd been wanting to do this for months, and it finally work out, just in time!)

As I went to bed that night I asked Aaron, as I had every night for the last few weeks, if he thought Eden would come that night, and as usual, he said "maybe, but probably not." I felt a little sad at the predictable response, knowing that the next day was the very last day of March, and although a week early, I was hopeful. It was also one of the night's I didn't have any braxton hicks before bed, reminding me Aaron was most likely right.

I woke at 2:15 exactly with a hard contraction, but it didn't phase me at first. I went to the bathroom and laid back down. Just as I slipped off to sleep, there was another hard one, and my eyes shot open! "Don't get your hopes up" kept running through my mind. But around 3:30 there were enough for me to want to take a shower, so I woke Aaron to prevent from him waking up to me gone and not knowing what was going on. Long story short, we live an hour and fifteen minutes from the hospital, and my midwife was certain when I went into labor it would probably go fast, knowing how my early labor was with Madison, and I was already at 3 cm. dilated during my last visit just a day and a half before. So she advised me to come in if we had any thought this may be it, just to make sure we were there on time. So, around 5 we decided to head in, with contractions at 6 minutes apart. We joked about being that couple that shows up to early, but knew it was wiser this way. And we were that couple (just the first time in many ways we would soon find

out.) We had consistent and hard contractions, but nothing else was changing, and because my midwife was not on call, even though she put it in my file to call her no matter what, they wouldn't call unless it was active labor, and this was not. So, tired and disappointed, while still have contractions, we were home by lunch.

I tried to rest through out the day, which is very hard with contractions now 6-10 minutes apart, and continuing to exhaust me with their strength. By evening they were almost gone, and I had enough energy and motivation to clean the house, and try to forget that this was the very last day in March. I did NOT want an April Fool's Day baby, and was now beginning to pray it would hold off at least one more day.

But the night proved otherwise. I tried to sleep with no results. Move to the couch to sit up more, and still nothing helped. We called the hospital back around 1 am, asking if we were to come in would they do anything to help advance things, but they assured me they wouldn't on the weekend unless I was "active" and I was afraid I was still to inconsistent to be. So after a few tears of exhaustion at the realization that this was going to be how my night unfolded, I went back to bed. From 3-4 am I had really hard contractions every 10 minutes on the dot, waking Aaron with my very loud "relaxing techniques" each time.

Finally after going to the bathroom around 4, I discovered "show" in the toilet, and was excited. We were told to come in no matter what if we had this! I hollered for Aaron and he was up calling the neighbors to watch Madison. Within minutes I was starting cold chills, shakes and throwing up... a sign of transition, which means the baby is about to be here. I voiced the sudden urgency to Aaron and within minutes we were out the door. Fortunately everything was still in the car from the night before.

Little did we know the fun that was just about to begin!

We raced down our 8 mile, dirt, gravel and pot-hole laden driveway, which takes the average person about 25 minutes. We finished it in about 12, and I'm not sure how a few of those moments didn't result in a flat tire. But I was grateful the timing happened to mean only one contraction on the driveway, which he drove very careful for. (Such a wonderful man) And we were off.

About two miles from our exit, we watched and became anxious

as we realized our car was now out of gas and struggling up a hill. I must say, we have NEVER ran out of gas in my car, however, after such a tiring day before I just handed Aaron 10 in cash instead of just having him fill up the tank, knowing it had been enough plenty of times before to get me home and back to town once. I didn't think how gas prices happened to rise the last two weeks.

So, there we sat, out of gas. Aaron called 911 and gave the all to humorous line "We ran out of gas on the highway and my wife is in labor!". By now I'd calmed down and we felt contractions were far enough we didn't need EMS, or the EMS bill!

But man, did I have to pee!! So, I opened my car door and the passenger door behind me, so I was blocked on both sides from headlights, faced Aaron inside the car, and held onto the bottom door frame for support. What a terrible sight this pregnant woman must have been! I was sure the cops would show up and ticket me for indecent exposure in public at this point, but my thoughts were quickly distracted as I realized there was no way my pregnant bladder hat this much pee in it. But, it just kept coming and coming. I gave a little pressure to see if I was about done, but it just came faster and harder. I looked at Aaron as I was discussing my confusion and we both realized my water had just broke on the side of the highway, where we were out of gas and in labor at 5 am on April Fool's day! WHO DOES THAT!!! We laughed, but were nervous. After all, I'd reminded Aaron a few times on the d

rive out that as long as my water hadn't broken, we were not going to have a baby on the side of the highway....

Two police cars showed up about 10 minutes later and one took Aaron to pay for some gas while the other sat with me and nervously made small talk about having babies while I tried not to be too loud while contracting. Aaron returned and they diligently made sure out car started and saw us on our way.

We arrived and were at 7 cm dilated, and all I could think was how fast babies go from 7-10. If you know my story with Madison of course, we were at 6 cm. within 3 hours of knowing we were in labor, but stalled out at 7 for 3 hours and at 9 for 4 hours, mostly we assume because my water wouldn't break. But that was an exception right?? This was baby 2, and they tend to come faster, and the 7-10 cm wouldn't slow down twice for the same woman, right??? So the knowledge of being at 7 was exciting! And explained all the hard contractions.

My midwife was called and we began to walk the hospital, but after an hour and a half we realized all had stopped. Not just stopped, but halted. Contractions were pretty much gone, and Aaron and I were updating our status on facebook (something I made fun of women in labor for doing, because there's no way I could have done that in labor with

Madison!) Finally the idea of pitocin began to get throw around, and after 45 minutes of still nothing, we decided to go with it. I'd heard it's much more intense with pitocin, and I became nervous, but sure that it wouldn't be long. But the contractions came rolling every 3-5 minutes with great intensity, and out of nowhere. To go from nothing to this was overwhelming! I suddenly realized the value in having the early labor to build up over time and help you get use to what's to come.

I have yet to mention that ALL this time, from the very first morning we went to the hospital, we had overwhelming back labor, which I hadn't experienced with Madison. This labor was already completely different in the way it felt and was working over my body.

After a few hours we were STILL at 7 cm. They realized she wasn't tucking her head down, so the cone of her head wasn't helping my uterus to contract. We were walking, using a squatting bar, hands and knees, elbows and knees, light music, amazing counter pressure from Aaron on my back, all we could with the help an coaching of my WONDERFUL midwife.

I have to take a moment to mention how amazing she was! Our first midwife was mostly just there to catch (giving her credit that I was her 7th baby of the nigh

t) but Annette was there almost the entire day with us, helping to coach, rub, change positions, offer suggestions and support, and genuinely just care in our progress. She is also a Christian, and helped encourage me in the amazing ways God works. She wasn't even on call this weekend, and chose to give up her day to be with us. We were blessed!

After another hour or so, I was done. I requested the IV pain meds, and they were something to experience! Although they helped, they didn't last more then 30 minutes. After several hard crying episodes and debates, we found we were finally just barely at 8 cm., with her head still not tucked and she was still turned enough to make the back labor intense. I debated for a tiny bit, but I knew I was done. Over 30 hours of exhausting labor and back pain and I knew my conclusion, even though I fought against it with self disapointment. I'd already "caved" and started pitocin and IV pain killers, and I was already trying hard not to let it discourage me. (and as long as I didn't think about it, I wasn't.) But we asked for the epidural.

Well, I wouldn't say I so much "asked". It was more of a discussion of knowing I just couldn't make it, but I was so afraid of the epidural. I guess just an acknowle

dgment that my fear is going to happen.

The anesthesiologist was in within minutes and everyone was helping to relax and talk me through it, but I can't express how afraid I was. I feared moving, I wanted to continuously ask if they were done yet, and I kept expressing after contractions that I wasn't yelling at him, I was just yelling from contractions. (I'm very loud in labor... VERY. and it embarrasses me to admit!!)

Finally it was over and began to wear in. I was now stuck in bed for good. I had no control over my right leg and ver little over my left. Aaron had to move it for me several times. We had some humorous moments as one time while my knee was bent, Aaron said something to me and casually rubbed my knee, but as he took his hand away, my knee just went with it, and I watched, laughing as I had no control to stop my leg from falling over. He caught it and we laughed.... laughed, in LABOR!! Unimaginable!

So, I'm now thinking I'm that woman that will get to nap through transition and wake up being told it's time to push. I'm easily dozing off as the room gets quite. I can feel pressure during contractions but not much. Suddenly came a "hard" one that I actu

ally had to vocalize through, and thought, no, that wasn't an urge to push... I have an epidural. Within minutes there was another one, so I mentioned it to the nurse and Annette came to check. I was "complete" and actually was having the urge to push. It was just after 3pm. Aaron and I were suddenly energetic and excited as we caught glances and made those googly eyes, knowing we would hold our daughter in moments. We laughed because Aaron predicted at 10 am. it wouldn't be until three. I called him a jerk for wanting me to have 5 more hours of labor! (and that was when we just started pitocin)

So, within 30 minutes of getting an epidural, Eden had finally tilted

her head (although not tilting it for so long left her head still perfectly round) and helped my cervix become complete and ready to push! They asked if I wanted a mirror, and I did! After three contractions worth of pushing, she was on my belly, screaming her little head off! And her head was little!! It felt like such a celebration! When Madison was born we were so exhausted, there was just a feeling of relief when she was finally here, and everyone quickly did their job and was gone. But with Eden, the nurses stuck around to peak and google over her, the room was full of cheers and excitement, and not just from us. It was if all of them were just as excited she was finally here as her parents were. She stayed on my belly for a while while we cleaned her up and "celebrated". I suddenly realized at the same time as the midwife, we hand't "verified" the gender yet. so I took a peak below the blanket and proclaimed she definitely was a girl! The midwife said at one point, She's got dark hair, but I don't see any purple streaks like her mommy!" I laughed and asked if she could find any pink streaks, otherwise, she's going to have her daddy's hair!

Then some discoveries began to unravel. During all of labor, Eden's heart beat would drop right before a contraction, but it quickly came back up and there didn't seem to be any issues with it. They said the cord may be pinched during a contraction and Annette let me know I may need to push hard at the very end if it is, but she'd let me know if I needed. However, we discovered her cord was going around her back, up over her arm (like the strap of a purse) and down her chest, belly and between her legs. It didn't seem like a big deal though, and all was well. But as they took Eden to finish what they needed, Annette tried to finish her part of the work...

And I must warn you, this is where you may want to stop reading!! It's gross, and I'll try to be vague, but it's all up to you from here on out!

Annette was at the point where she needed to kneed my stomach and pull on the cord to help it out some. So they took Eden away to be cleaned up. The mirror was still up and I saw Annette at work, just in time see the cord actually break off from the placenta, which still had yet to be seen. Annette and I talked some as she informed me she was going to need to get "more aggressive" with getting the placenta. I watched as they took Eden off to my right and began to do their thing, and as I looked back, mirror still there, I saw Annette had her ENTIRE hand AND lower arm in places it should NEVER be! I don't even know how it happened!!! I remember at one point seeing Aaron and declaring THIS was exactly why God wouldn't let my labor progress. He knew this was going to be an issue, and He knew I'd need that epidural! So He made it go until I finally chose it. This is our God ordained epidural, because not only did Annette have to "fish out" the placenta, but it wasn't all there, so she had to continually search for more. When she did first have the majority of it, I watched in the mirror as she continually untwisted it until she could finally examine in. Not sure how it became so twisted up in the process, but it was a mess. She had to call for her Doctor friend to finish searching, and after about 10 more minutes and a final "scraping" of the uterus to be sure, they were certain all was finally out.

I asked what had happened with it, and Annette told me it had attached to the uterus wrong. As I thought about this over and over the past few days, I can't help but realize how close we were to not having this little girl. Placenta issues are usually "resolved" through miscarriage in the first trimester, or complications later on in pregnancy. And yet, God gave us this little girl, because an irregularly attached placenta is nothing he can't handle. And I'm fully aware that he didn't have to give us this baby girl, but chose to anyway, even with this little "issue" that could have caused bigger complications. He was gracious when we didn't deserve any special treatment, and we have this little girl because of it.

Eden is an incredibly small 6 lb. 10 oz., 20.5 inches long. Her new born diapers keep slipping off her little booty because she's so little. She has incredibly defined leg and butt muscles, and LOVES to stay folded up and squirmy... which I keep saying is just proving to everyone else how much I kept saying she moved in my belly!

So, in the end, I laugh at how many people reminded me a second baby is faster. I laugh at the thought of being the most cliche couple ever, going in too early, running out of gas, water breaking on the side of the highway, and being that woman who comes with this well laid out birth plan just to throw it away in the end. I'm grateful for no tearing, very minimal bleeding, despite the placenta issue, and a nurse and midwife that stuck with us above any expectations!

I'm blessed and undeserving of my husband, who was amazing, and fully hands on the entire labor, despite how much he hates seeing me attempt it without any drug medications. He was perfect the entire labor, even the parts at home. Helping me get rest as I could, food when needed, looking me in the eyes with "all the right things to say" written on his face during the most intense moments, and even though he didn't feel confident, he was perfect. He held me and felt my discouragement when I chose to change our "plan", and encouraged and uplifted me at the task at hand that I was going to complete, pain meds or not.

I look at my beautiful family of four, and how this past weekend unfolded. I'll never forget another April fool's day, and I will never celebrate it in the same way again! I see some awesome theme birthday's in the future.

Me?? A Pioneer in Natural Birth??

Let me begin with this very VERY important statement... or two....

I'm NOT against doctors or medicine. I believe there are a lot of pros to natural childbirth, but I'm not against ultra sounds, epidurals, c-sections, pain killers, etc. (except my many fears of the needle in my spine thing... but that's just a personal fear.) and I really don't care if you choose to nurse or not. We don't eat all organic, our meals are not typically properly "balanced", we are only "part time" cloth diaper users, and I believe if my child drops her passe on the ground, it's good enough for me to simply stick it in my mouth before I give it back to her (with a few exceptions of course).

That being said, why did/do I choose natural (as little intervention as completely possible) childbirth. Yes, fear of that stupid needle in the spine thing as I said before, and... well, I just don't know. I can't really explain it, but here is where I think it may have started:

My dad (who was born in 1928, and was 54 when I was born. So times were very very different when he was born) is somewhere in the middle of 13 children. I have no clue when I "knew" I could have kids one day. I don't remember the moment that information clicked in my brain, but somewhere around 4th-5th grade my dad told me how my grandma had all 13 kids on the same living room floor, even after they tried to pass some law or something that women had to get to the hospital. She'd take the baby after, but say something like she just couldn't get there on time, when she really just thought it was unnecessary. I remember setting my mind at that moment that I would have 15 kids (had to beat her by 2... not just 1) and I too wouldn't have any medical help for the birth.

That's it. That's when I made up my mind and why. And can I just say, when I make up my mind, IT IS MADE! (after all, that's the ONLY reasoning why I went through natural childbirth the first time... I know several women who have done it, and they had plenty more reasons that got them through then simply making the choice as a kid.)

Since then I've realized 15 kids is a little excessive... and I'm down to 6. Four I'd like to birth myself and then adopt at least 2. Since college I've decided four is a perfect number, although I really really want to birth four myself, and still want to adopt, so I'm not sure how that internal conflict will play out, but we will see how God chooses to build our family in time.

I've also realized I DON'T want to birth my children in my living room! I want the medical help ready and waiting for any "just in case" moment. The midwives we have used work hand in hand with a group of doctors they know and trust, and will simply bring them into the appointment or labor and delivery if needed. The doctors trust the midwives as well, and if you do end up needing a c-section, both practices I've been with will allow the midwives to assist the doctor, which is extremely comforting.

All that being said, back to my thought of the a pioneer... right... about that!

I gave birth to Madison almost 2 years ago after 14 hours of labor. No drugs or meds, no interference other then the midwife breaking my water after FOUR HOURS stuck at 9 centimeters. (45 minutes after she did, we had a baby in our arms!!) We gave birth with the only two and very popular midwives in our area, at a hospital that pretty much specialized in natural birth, so everyone was very VERY helpful and in no way pressured us for anything. It was wonderful! (well, as wonderful as giving birth to an 8 lb. baby can be without drugs.)

Since then we moved to a little unknown town in Texas (well, an hour outside of it actually), which happens to also have two midwives. But from the beginning of my visits, the midwife has said twice she was surprised at how much I knew, (the last one was when I asked her if I was ephased at all since she said I was at one centimeter dilated. She said most her patients don't know that word until she explains it.) And she was just as impressed when I presented our birth plan for her to sign a few weeks ago. Having used "high demand" midwives before (6 other women had babies the same night I had Madison, and ALL of them were patients for my midwife.) they were very use to patients set on natural birth, who took very educational classes on it (including my husband and I) and didn't offer any sort of intervention unless you insisted (for anything, even exams towards the end of the pregnancy).

Half way through this pregnancy she told me she was excited for my labor/delivery since she didn't see women much that wanted as natural as possible. (In fact, the hospital here only has 2 to 3 births a week, to begin with, if that, and even though there are two midwives, each is only on call one week a month, so you may not even get one for your birth.) Her encouragement made me excited, and confident, as I knew I had some extra support backing me. She even noted in my file to call her when I came in, even if she wasn't on call. I have felt completely encouraged and supported by her, as well as very easily relational. She takes time to sit and talk, which is different from the other midwives, and remembers a lot of details from my entire first experience with pregnancy, labor, delivery, healing and nursing. She knows the nursing issues we had before and has said a few times she's completely here for me if we have any problems, just call and we'll work on it together. (NOT what the other midwives did at all.... they were basically "done" after the birth, except for my healing process, although they had places they'd make sure to recommend for other help.)

The last appointment she spent some time talking with me and asked if I was willing to meet with a head nurse that is showing interest in helping with more natural births. Basically to talk about things I liked and didn't like at the other hospital and things I'd like to have available (although they have most of the same basics for labor). Even to the point of allowing me to labor in pajamas I brought if I wanted. (Although I have no problem in the gown either). I'm thinking it's more for the hospital then for me, since I really feel I'm not "wise" enough or the type of women who has "issues" with medicine and such. I'm just doing it because I want to. But I seem to be one of the seldom seen around this area who wants this. (I should say there are a few others I know choosing natural birth, but they have gone to birthing centers instead of these midwives and hospital, and other patients they have seen who have had natural births are more of the mindset "we will see how far we get" or just want some minor pain meds. Or they simply deliver to fast to get any meds. So I'm not alone out here in this, but apparently I'm rare in having such a plan, education and goals already set from the beginning.... and that's mostly credited to taking a Bradley class with my first pregnancy, which was extremely helpful in being mentally prepared, which I need to do something like this.)

She also stated at that last appointment that they are going to move towards publicizing a more "midwifery" practice for here and the surrounding area, and asked if she might possibly call on me to share my stories if I didn't mind. Of course I was as flattered as I was set back that she could see me as someone who could help pave the way in moving the practice closer to the goals she has in mind. It also makes me nerveous!

So... maybe I am a pioneer... maybe. It's flattering, and humbling. I'm encouraged and feel even more ready then with Madison. Our due date is 3 weeks away, and I'm much more excited about the labor and delivery then what most think is normal... yes, I said I'm very excited about the actual labor! (Actually, I've been really really excited about it lately, and not just because it means I'm about to have my baby.... I don't know many who have excitement about that as their due date approaches...)

I already know that the moment I see my midwife walk in, I'm going to already feel much more comforted and confident. She's been THAT good already.

Bring it on!

My "Big Fish"

I love the movie Big Fish. (Such a GREAT movie!) It seems most people either love it or hate it, but I cannot be grateful enough for the person who wrote that movie. It makes me roll with laughter and cry my eyes out. It touches my heart.

So, I decided to share it. But more to share MY big fish.

It's the dad. Well, more the main character who is a dad by the end. The whole story is from him, but it's in the perspective his kids grew up hearing. Of course the kids grew up hearing his life stories that way because he chose to tell them the way he needed to remember them.

Yes, I said needed. Not how he did remember. Children don't understand this concept until they aren't children anymore. I didn't. No child does.

So, my own "big fish". If you know me at all, it's obvious. I miss him incredibly, even though I've gotten accustomed to his absence. He wasn't always the best dad in the world. In fact, I'm pretty sure he never would have received "father of the year". But he was amazing, and forever cherished in my heart, no matter what the critics on the outside say.

Of course, I only know the stories from his perspective, unlike the movie where the funeral revealed what was truth and what was exaggeration. The best part in that movie, it was all "truth" behind his stories. All of it. the exaggerations were simply novelty, nothing that was intended to be a lie. Simply "adjectives" to enhance the good parts. Knowing my dad, those "adjectives" weren't there for me to enjoy the story more. They were all for him. For his acceptance of how his life played out. For the things he had no control over, and for decisions he made. The psychologist and Christian say this isn't the way to "deal", but what if it really is to some degree. What if you have "dealt" and as you share your life, you understand there is no need to share all the realities. What if the "adjectives" are how you create a desire for adventure and life in your own children, while saving them from being afraid of the world.

He taught me to believe that thing that hangs in the back of your mouth is called a "gaggle hanger" because it hangs there, and if you touch it, you gag.... duh!! I'll never forget the day I felt so smart when my teacher asked if anyone knew the correct name for it. I went home crying because she didn't believe me. My dad was there to comfort me with the fact that teachers don't always know everything...

If you lost a tooth and never stuck your tongue in the hole, the new one would come in GOLD! I can't tell you how many times he told me "Your tongue must have slipped in there when you were sleeping". And if the old tooth was good and healthy, the tooth fairy gave them to clams to turn into round pearls.

Did you know if you play with your belly button too much, it will make your butt fall off!! If only it were that easy!

The fun helicopter things that fall from trees in the spring are really fairy wings. The spring/summer fairies hibernate in the trees during the winter and shed them when they wake up. They can make almost any boo-boo feel better! Really!!

I had a really rough semester in College, which included a heart break and a really bad case of mono, along with some other junk. My dad sent me a card with a "fairy wing" taped inside. It worked. What I wouldn't give to still have that card. Not to mention our shared thing for strawberry milk shakes to help us feel better. Mmmm..... Aaron still offers me strawberry milkshakes when I'm upset, and it still makes me feel better.

Oh, and a personal favorite. Dad and I were going to own a pie and ice cream shop one day. With a long counter that held a baby grand piano on one end for live music on certain nights. I had "invented" sweet potato pie, which was simply a version of sweet potato casserole we make for holidays (sooo incredibly good! Mashed with pineapple and some brown sugar, topped with mini marshmallows and some mere-chino cherries, thrown into the oven until golden on top.) I simply decided the pie version should go on a graham cracker crust. Once in college (college mind you!! 20 years old!!) I went to a place in South Carolina with sweet potato pie on the menu.... what!! I called my dad, flabbergasted, because he must have known this existed already. (He had led me to believe for years it was my invention.) And his response... "I'm so sorry hun! We just didn't get a patent on it in time!" All I could do was grin. I knew it was a form of a "big fish", but it was a fish I wanted to keep.

Of course, the really "big fish" come from his life story. Most of which I can't or won't share on here. I bought him a book once, with a question every day for one year. Intended for a parent to eventually pass on to their child, leaving a book in their own words about their life and experiences. After a few weeks he teared up and apologized that he just couldn't keep doing the book. The questions seemed to dig a little too deep. I wish I had it completed, and at the same time, I praise God I don't know all he was too hurt to write about.

My dad was mostly on his own by his early teens. He rode the trains as a classic, old fashioned tramp! My uncle told me after dad died, when they received word my dad was coming to town, they went to the train station late in the evening and started whispering his name, checking under the cars until he popped out. Full of stories from his latest travels. I find that exciting! (of course, this was back in the 30's. I wouldn't find this as exciting today.

His mom could throw a rubber mallet over a mile to where the out house was, and smack dad right in the head for teasing his brother with wax paper when the bathroom was fresh out of the sears catalog. And he didn't just walk 5 miles up hill in snow to school (both ways of course) but he had to carry a brother on his back since they only had enough shoes for each child to have one. If you wanted a pair, you had to make a deal!

He went into the Navy at 17 to fight in WWII, (picture on the left was in 1947, at 18 or 19 yrs. old) where they sharpened old anchors and tied on the rotten meat to catch great white sharks for food, after they'd been out to see longer then expected. He smuggled a little girl from Japan who watched her parents die in front of her. Within a few months of being back in the states he saw that she was put in a children's home so she could be adopted. Realizing he wasn't ready to parent a preschooler just yet.

He was an ice deliverer for the old style iceboxes for a bit and sold vacuums door to door. He explored the west, found gold with 2 of his brothers, owned a restaurant, land in California and a few semi trucks. (He's off to do more exploring out west with Uncle Gene and Uncle Walter in this picture. He's on the left.)

Did I mention he ROBBED A BANK! (or maybe some sort of store??) Yes, he served his time, and yes, he did it with his brother... those brothers... He also got "kicked out of Ohio", according to him. But that's how he went to California where he met my mom.

I was raised watching westerns, listen to barbershop music (of which he sang in for years) and staring at his old slides of the western desserts from his travels. I still have a whole box of those slides.

A few years after he died, my uncle met with me over a LONG breakfast and talked all about my dad. His stories were in fact, "fish". They were real to a point. I'd talk about some things with my mom, like my dad's story of how I was suppose to be a boy, and when I wasn't, he wanted to name me Janetta Rodriguez (could you imagine! I'm so WHITE!) to get back at me. Mom clarified that wasn't how it went down, along with a few other stories I'd always believed. Aaron suggested I stop asking my mom about the different stories because I kept getting disappointed at how the real version went.

He didn't share much of the war or the really hard stuff, which he had plenty of. Some I discovered as I grew and came to piece things together. Wisdom brings pain in times where your realizing what young life was really like for someone you love so deep. Why they have so many "big fish" stories. Stories that are truth cluttered with "adjectives". "Fish" worth keeping.

I was broken for months after his death. I was angered after a year passed, that I wasn't able to stop time. Longed for him to be at my college graduation. Grieved my future husband would never know him. Mourned a father/daughter dance at my wedding. Saddened he will never hold my little girls.

I know he's not looking down from heaven. I believe that's nothing more then a "good intentions" statement leading to false comfort. But I know he was proud of me before he passed, and I know our relationship was the healthiest it had ever been. I guess that's what makes it so hard.

My dad may have raised me on "big fish" but he raised me to love the world, adventure and challenge. I never would have left our corner or Ohio if he hadn't. I wouldn't have cared to step out on my own two feet if he didn't start me off flying around to family for 6 weeks at the age of 12. We loved to share our stories of adventure. If I showed the tiniest interest in something, we were at the library, looking it up. (Once it led me to breading gerbils! Over 80 of them went through our home! Of course, it took a little convincing for mom at first... but dad and I were a good team at this... most of the time.)

I don't want to know how different I would be if I didn't have the same dad.

My children will know how dear their Grandpa is to me, and I will pass on his "Big Fish".

I'll find a lot joy in telling them the tooth fairy uses their good teeth for pearls, and that fairy wings can make almost anything feel better. Of course I'll tell them how to get gold teeth, and best of all, to be careful just how much you play with your belly button!
I'll share his travels, the way I know them to be. The way he wanted them passed on. The crazy adventures and amazing and unique things he did.

And of course, I'll have to add some of my own "big fish".

Jack Raymond Scott
Sept. 19, 1928-Jan. 3, 2005

Yet another life Transition...

Here we go.... *sigh.

I set out in January 2002, on my own. Starting my own foundations for the life God was going to lay before me to follow. I set out in my own version of an "Abraham" story, moving 5 states for college. A bold move when considering what I had, knew and expected of what God had called me to and where I came from. I now reflect on 10 years filled with various moves on and off campus, working summers at camp, losing my beloved daddy, living and teaching in Thailand, moving to Florida, Moving to back to South Carolina, first year teaching, engagement, marriage, foot surgery, moving to Kentucky, having a baby and finally moving to Texas...

"Finally"?? So definitive. An implication of an absolute.

God brought us here so clearly. So smoothly. So obviously...

Eight months of living in Texas. Aaron's perfect mix of adventure, teaching and discipleship all rolled into what the world labels a "job". A beautiful location, such flexible hours to balance family and students. A house. An open home to disciple others with his family's involvement and encouragement.

So here it is. In basic terms, the camp doesn't have the funding it needs to continue a program that ends in debt each year. Debt they are willing to repay from other programs for the sake of what Walkabout means and does for the students. And somehow, here and now, they have found there just isn't enough to cover the programs negative balances anymore. The camp has a very respectable no debt policy, and this means things have to change. Long story short, within all the adjustments and refiguring, we are not able to stay. Of course they are taking care of us, and of course we are finishing this Walkabout year well...

But we are suddenly searching... wondering.

Eight months of believing we are "settled" for a while to simply find ourselves uncertain what God has for us. If this isn't it, what could he still holding off on. How many more steps until we are "there", until we don't feel like "wandering Abrahams" anymore. And yet, consider that even a man such as Moses never stepped foot in the promised land. His seed (literally and figuratively) did. They reaped the benefits of Abraham's obedience in stepping away from everything in pure faith. His descendants were the ones to taste the flowing milk and honey.

I find myself unattached enough that moving away won't be difficult. 8 months was just long enough to get over the homesickness of what we had in Kentucky, so I could begin building the same love and sentiments towards our new home and life here. But I won't be able to do that now.

I find myself teary at the thought of starting again. Not the job searching, packing, moving, unpacking, technicalities of changing information and paperwork. All of which comes almost naturally to me at this point.

It's the relational... That feeling when you've been dating someone for so long and when it's over and you move on, the belly ache starts at the thought of having to get to know someone all over again and still not knowing if that one will end in pain or joy. You wonder if it's going to be worth it. You may even pass up an interested fellow or two from the sheer lack of motivation to gamble it all again.

It really is the relational...

To seek out women and moms again. To strive to put myself out there. Again... I had just come to such a place when God asked us to walk away from Kentucky. To a place where I was surrounded by women I could feel open, vulnerable and honest with at that deeper level. Women I will never forget although they were only in my life for a year. Women I look up to in many many ways. As mothers, wives, spiritual women of faith and leaders in each of their unique ways. Women I won't ever forget.

It took me 2 years to find that place in Kentucky. And God has only given us 1 year in Texas. I'm just getting the ability to step up beyond congenial. Only two women here know a small percentage of me and my story. My life that God has given me to share. I don't know how much of them I really know. How many levels deep they have decided to share.

And I have to start over. Again. I have six months to prep for this. Six months to continue to invest where I'm at with no real gain. Six months to fight walls that may want to go up for the sake of "not needing" to invest.

Six months for God to show us the next step. And if I know Him like I believe I'm getting to know Him, He's going to take six and a half months to let us know.