Here we go again. The sense of starting over, once again, blindsides me in quiet moments. Sometimes it's defeated with a chin held higher then the confidence to back it up. Others it is greeted warmly with a melancholy nod of knowing all too well what it will entail. What it will demand of me.
A friend of mine has a blog titled "writing is cheaper then therapy". I couldn't agree more! So, on that note, I've decided to let a little vulnerability hang out there. What I don't want from this post: your pity or every day Bible verses of encouragement. Please don't try to relate your past situations and outcomes or attempt to empathize, because, let's face it, your situations will not be the same. When it comes down to the details (which are the parts that mean more anyway) it's just not going to be the same, and I really (honestly) do not feel like pasting on a smile and saying thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I understand a kind heart's intentions, and I would feel compelled to say some of the same, but it's just not what I'm needing right now, that's all. It's not that I don't appreciate the kindness, and it's not that your situations are not just as real for you.
I told you I was going to be honest, right.
Also, do not think I'm sitting her moping around day to day, in a long term, poor me, pity party. I'm not. But, I'm processing and dealing and I just need to get some things out, because, as mentioned previously, this is much cheaper then therapy.
I'm bitter, hurt and scarred by our situation. There are things I want to say so badly to a few certain people, so they can just understand the weight of what their "oops" moment has cost. My emotions are stretched so tight it can only spring from one extreme to the other without slowing down enough to recognize the middle ground. I don't want to be in this moment any longer. I want them to know it's not fair. I want them to acknowledge it and take the blame. I just want to know they see that they have hurt us and left us in a bleak situation despite our months upon months of effort. I want them to understand they have broken my husband's personal confidence in his skills and ability to take care of his family. I want... I really want that man to know how that feels. I really want his wife to feel helplessness in encouraging it.
I want my bitterness to end. I don't want to believe writing out every specific thing I want them to hear from me will really make me feel better. It won't. No matter how much I feel right now that it will.
I'm fatigued by putting myself out there. Starting over. Making new friends. Learning their lives and showing them mine, only to walk away again. I'm hospitable and friendly, but I'm just not willing to build deep friendships any time soon. And I'm lonely. I hunger for that one person I can just call up or go have coffee with and just explode every thought, feeling and emotion with. Who will listen to each thought, see each tear, and know they are not there for a reply, just for a presence. A safe, secure presence to absorb what Aaron and I are too full to hold in. But that would mean I would have to be vulnerable with someone. And I just don't think anyone has the time for all I could emote right now. I don't think I even know what all would come out. Again, why writing is great, although I'd never say all I'd really need/want to on here. That would just be ridiculous. I can control my rantings on here... if I sat with you for coffee and felt the release a good friend brought, I may not be able to control the emotion, and who knows what depths of honesty might pour out.
So... where are we at now?
Our little family of four has had nowhere to belong. Nowhere to call home for the past 7 months now, going on 8. Yes, we have friends and family with endlessly open arms and hearts in many states, and that is very evident to us. But it's not our home and it will not become our home, no matter how cozy we may become. Even texas wasn't home for months while we still lived in the exact same situation we were in before we found out Aaron's job was ending in May.
So, we began our travels. Our flexible plan lead us to Houston, New Orleans, and Florida. Our next step would be South Carolina, North Carolina and finally Kentucky to pick up where we left off...
But where we had left off didn't wait for us to come back.
Sure, Aaron was re-offered his old job of menial labor at average wages and inconvenient over time. Our church was still there, ministering to and serving the community. And the Seminary still stands tall, welcoming our tuition paying family to the vast amounts of knowledge it could provide.
But our friends are dwindling as they all find what God has next for them. We were there once too. We felt God calling us somewhere new to serve and lead. It's only natural for the cycle to go this way among students of any level. Your only there to learn and glean and wait to see what God has next for you. We may have gone back and been familiar with the streets, classrooms and buildings, but our relationships would mostly have to start over. I cannot express to you how tired my heart is of this. I just cannot.
So, since a ministry/church/camp job has not rung our phone with promises of employment, we have chosen as a family to stay in Florida.
We have family here and Aaron's friends from growing up. Aaron has also really enjoyed time with his brothers. He misses that a lot as we've always lived far. We don't know anyone in our stage of life, which kind of stinks. We also just don't know as of yet how to meet them.
Aaron has picked up a temp job and is waiting out the process for a "bigger better" job that will not be available until August. You can pray in that direction, as it is truly a better fit for him (and our budget).
At this point I may have to work part time as well, and I kind of like the thought of a three days a week preschool type job. The thought of Maddie in preschool is appealing. I think she would love it. She is so outgoing and has a ton of energy! It would be so good for her. Eden however, that makes the guilt pour on thicker then I'd like, but not thick enough to drown in if it's only part time. I couldn't handle the thought of her in full time day care. I wouldn't mind a very part time job either. It would help me break out of the house and hopefully meet friends.
We are staying with family and saving what we can while our car is not breaking down (twice in the past week) and eating it up. We hope to find a place to live and begin moving in by Sept. 1st, which seems like such a long time away to continue living out of suitcases. But July has gone quickly, and I hope August does to.
So there you have it. Do with it what you will. I promise I'll make the next post a little more happy. For now, I needed to get some of the negative out.
Pray for the conquering of bitterness. The desire to start new, honest, relationships (as well as the opportunities), and of course, job situations for Aaron and I. Oh, yes, and a prefect little place with the prefect price tag for us to live.
Tidbits of Us
- I am the wife of an amazing man, seeking hard after God's will for his family, and the mother of 3 beautiful little girls and a 4th baby lost in pregnancy, who all pull at my heartstrings continually. Life has been a whirlwind since our wedding in 2008, including seminary, adventures in camp ministry, missions in Kosovo, and countless moves and God's fingerprints are throughout it all. We are blessed and encouraged that He is equipping us continually for the ministry ahead and pray we are great stewards to all he has entrusted to us, in family, friends, ministry, finances, and of course, the gospel.