I have so much anger welling up inside of me today.
It goes beyond a crazy day of stupid directions with incorrect abbreviations, causing over 20 miles of aimless driving with a screaming almost 4 month old. Beyond the chiropractor (NOT doctor) giving my girls the back to school physical needed for preschool by simply listening to their heartbeat and taking Maddie's blood pressure, deciding nothing else on the checklist was applicable since it was preschool and not real school, but the $20 each sure was still applicable.
No, this is a righteous anger. An anger demanding a justice beyond a river of fire and ceaseless screams of terror. A justice I cannot give.
A justice I deserved once.
But I have been bathed in the blood of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and I have inherited the dwelling of the Holy Spirit, who guides me through a rough path of sanctification, urging me to be angry at things that would anger God Himself.
Those things, the ones that bring God to a Devine anger, those are the things I am fuming with now.
Not to me. I am not the one hurt. I am not the one living with the effects, lied to, beat down, distraught, a life completely destroyed, relationships that are suppose to be the most cherished, beyond shattered with lies and deception. For almost ten years and counting.
No. It's not my weight to carry. To struggle through. To decide the next steps. It's not mine to bear.
it is mine to share as a sister in Christ. And I am FILLED with fury at today's discoveries.
And I hurt.
My eyes repulsed as I read. The lies willingly spewed forth, efforts to destroy and deceive while building up oneself on a mountain of falsehoods. My mind storming with defense.
If I can but tame my tongue out of necessity, and wisdom.
God asks us to be angry over things He is angry over. But to what do we do with an anger shared with God when we are helpless to move in a way only He can. No matter how passionately we want to.
How hard it is to do nothing at times.
Pray. Trust. Wait. Pray.
I share His anger. Has my anger led me to sin, or will I share his righteous love as well? Will it have a judgement of wrath in the end, or will our sovereign God bring restoration and beauty from ashes? Right now I simply desire to see his wrath bring judgement due. But how much more precious would the restoration be in the end. How much more beautiful and moving would that result be. Can I be patient for it? What if it still never comes? Can I be content with it?
Sharing a righteous anger is difficult. You can't just share the anger without sharing the grace and compassion. The desire for healing. Our flesh desires one or the other immediately. Our spirit has the reality that it takes time and workings beyond the realm of what we see. And my heart fears the patients and prayer will simply be met with destruction in the end, waisting tears, emotions and time.
And yet, somehow, no matter the path, the result, the justice, the grace... no matter how or when it plays out, God will be glorified.
I deeply and passionately pray his glorification comes swiftly and brings restoration to the innocent, revealing deceptions, trust to the deserving.
Tidbits of Us
- I am the wife of an amazing man, seeking hard after God's will for his family, and the mother of 3 beautiful little girls and a 4th baby lost in pregnancy, who all pull at my heartstrings continually. Life has been a whirlwind since our wedding in 2008, including seminary, adventures in camp ministry, missions in Kosovo, and countless moves and God's fingerprints are throughout it all. We are blessed and encouraged that He is equipping us continually for the ministry ahead and pray we are great stewards to all he has entrusted to us, in family, friends, ministry, finances, and of course, the gospel.