I set out in January 2002, on my own. Starting my own foundations for the life God was going to lay before me to follow. I set out in my own version of an "Abraham" story, moving 5 states for college. A bold move when considering what I had, knew and expected of what God had called me to and where I came from. I now reflect on 10 years filled with various moves on and off campus, working summers at camp, losing my beloved daddy, living and teaching in Thailand, moving to Florida, Moving to back to South Carolina, first year teaching, engagement, marriage, foot surgery, moving to Kentucky, having a baby and finally moving to Texas...
"Finally"?? So definitive. An implication of an absolute.
God brought us here so clearly. So smoothly. So obviously...
Eight months of living in Texas. Aaron's perfect mix of adventure, teaching and discipleship all rolled into what the world labels a "job". A beautiful location, such flexible hours to balance family and students. A house. An open home to disciple others with his family's involvement and encouragement.
So here it is. In basic terms, the camp doesn't have the funding it needs to continue a program that ends in debt each year. Debt they are willing to repay from other programs for the sake of what Walkabout means and does for the students. And somehow, here and now, they have found there just isn't enough to cover the programs negative balances anymore. The camp has a very respectable no debt policy, and this means things have to change. Long story short, within all the adjustments and refiguring, we are not able to stay. Of course they are taking care of us, and of course we are finishing this Walkabout year well...
But we are suddenly searching... wondering.
Eight months of believing we are "settled" for a while to simply find ourselves uncertain what God has for us. If this isn't it, what could he still holding off on. How many more steps until we are "there", until we don't feel like "wandering Abrahams" anymore. And yet, consider that even a man such as Moses never stepped foot in the promised land. His seed (literally and figuratively) did. They reaped the benefits of Abraham's obedience in stepping away from everything in pure faith. His descendants were the ones to taste the flowing milk and honey.
I find myself unattached enough that moving away won't be difficult. 8 months was just long enough to get over the homesickness of what we had in Kentucky, so I could begin building the same love and sentiments towards our new home and life here. But I won't be able to do that now.
I find myself teary at the thought of starting again. Not the job searching, packing, moving, unpacking, technicalities of changing information and paperwork. All of which comes almost naturally to me at this point.
It's the relational... That feeling when you've been dating someone for so long and when it's over and you move on, the belly ache starts at the thought of having to get to know someone all over again and still not knowing if that one will end in pain or joy. You wonder if it's going to be worth it. You may even pass up an interested fellow or two from the sheer lack of motivation to gamble it all again.
It really is the relational...
To seek out women and moms again. To strive to put myself out there. Again... I had just come to such a place when God asked us to walk away from Kentucky. To a place where I was surrounded by women I could feel open, vulnerable and honest with at that deeper level. Women I will never forget although they were only in my life for a year. Women I look up to in many many ways. As mothers, wives, spiritual women of faith and leaders in each of their unique ways. Women I won't ever forget.
It took me 2 years to find that place in Kentucky. And God has only given us 1 year in Texas. I'm just getting the ability to step up beyond congenial. Only two women here know a small percentage of me and my story. My life that God has given me to share. I don't know how much of them I really know. How many levels deep they have decided to share.
And I have to start over. Again. I have six months to prep for this. Six months to continue to invest where I'm at with no real gain. Six months to fight walls that may want to go up for the sake of "not needing" to invest.
Six months for God to show us the next step. And if I know Him like I believe I'm getting to know Him, He's going to take six and a half months to let us know.