The first three months of Madison's life in my arms instead of in my belly, were full of miracles and amazing moments I will cherish forever. However, and I think every mom will admit at to this at some point, it also came with lots of self proclaimed "I'm such a bad mom" moments. Usually involving many tears with it. I have an amazingly wonderful husband who stood beside me and loved me through each moment, helping me to see I was doing the absolute best as we went along. And as motherhood finally settled into a routine and balance, as well as my hormones, I became a confident mommy.
Almost 16 months later I find my mornings filled with rolling on the floor, spending my energy and filling my ears with laughs and giggles that come from deep within her toes. We'd have long talks in an alien language only she could interpret, and as any good mommy would, encouraged the real words for things she desired. She comes bouncing out of her bedroom excitedly, holding out a book as far as she possibly can, immediately needing to sit in my lap and giggling with anticipation every time we opened the first page of a book we have already read hundreds of times before.
But now I find myself sitting here, counting the hours from waking up until her and MY afternoon nap time, usually begun with a prayer that this will be one of those days she sleeps the rare three hours. Now I pass the morning resting and watch her play with the "white noise" of Dora, Little Einsteins, or even Bubble Guppies filling the background. First she played continuously, getting slightly distracted by a song now and then. Now I find her sitting mesmerized for entire episodes of Dora. Either cuddling with me or finding a cozy spot to lay or sit as she stares at the moving characters on the TV. Conversations are fewer, and as she gets use to "lazy mommy" she begins to play much more independently. Even "reading" her books more to herself. I try to scrounge up enough energy each day for a good romp on the floor or walk to the volleyball court to play in the sand. But they are short lived times, as baby number two begins to rebuttal by draining my energy supply or sensing a smell that sends my stomach upside down for the next hour. I know both these little gifts need me, the problem is, they need me in complete opposite ways, and I have no clue how to get through the morning other then watching the clock.
This, the "lazy morning mommy", has brought with it more of the guilt of "bad mommy", as I wait for the morning pill to kick in and settle my stomach enough to make it through lunch, which we will follow with our naps and somehow, an extra bit of energy on most of the days to get through the evening much easier. I know I'm not the first woman to be pregnant while having a toddler around the house, and I know I'm not really a bad mom. However, I am certain this is another phase which will pass, but eventually return again and again and again. I'm ready to acknowledge that I will always have reasons to feel like a bad mommy, or bad wife, as I watch my husband take on much more responsibility at home while I lay there telling myself it's ok because I'm growing a baby inside. I need more rest right now. But I don't think I'll ever be fully ready when the first hit from the beginning of another "bad mommy" phase smacks me in the face. As I'm sure all good mommies are not.
I will say, at 12 1/2 weeks pregnant, this whole thing has exactly one week until we are in the second trimester and it is no longer acceptable around here. I just hope I have the energy to back that up....