Life as we know it...

The last few weeks has been a great journey!

Madison has begun to settle a little and get back to her regular two nap schedule, as well as sleeping through the night again, which is great! She hasn't been consistent at that since she was so sick for February and March, but she has slept every night through since we arrived here Monday. (Hopefully this doesn't jinx it!) She became very clingy and emotional the last week, and although she is still clingy, she's beginning to return to her outgoing little center of attention around the camp. She also has another cold, which will hopefully end soon. Her cough is starting to get that breaking up sound, so praying it is almost done running its course.

We are finally here is the middle of the middle of nowhere, Texas. It is beautiful, but a different kind of beauty then the NC and TN hills I am used while working at camps. Aaron has started working some half days with the old director, gleaning as much as he can. But, the old director is packing up his home and moving in about ten days, so he is also a little extra busy with that. Aaron has really appreciated the time he has had with Jason, and I am sure they will be staying in contact, especially as the new walkabout season begins in the fall. Aaron is already having to make some pretty big decisions on student applications for the fall. It's not easy to decide who can come and who can't. But there are some amazing opportunities with different churches and such who are using this program as part of a very long term discipleship program for their youth. This program is much bigger then we could have imagined outside of this camp. It's wonderful!

We are fully unpacked, minus books, but we need to buy new bookshelves before we can unpack those. We are also busy starting to paint and make this home a little more personal. I am very excited at the amount of space we have! It's almost too big for us at this stage in our life, but hopefully we will grow into it as a family. There are so many deer and elk around as well. We saw a HUGE elk on our driveway the other day (which is 8 miles of dirt road.) And a 6 point axis deer right out our back door the other afternoon. Apparently, all axis deer are 6 points, but they are measured by the length of the spread of the rack, so I don't know what that would have been. But they are pretty deer with lots of spots. We also have some regulars at our hummingbird feeder as well as a "mud" type nest under the awning of our front porch with one little speckled egg and two beautiful parents with blue feathers and yellow bellies.

It's been good getting to know some of our fellow staff, but they are very busy right now too, as the summer college staff have just arrived and training is in full swing for two more weeks until the first week of campers arrives. It's so beautiful here, and I am anxious to see how the summer runs around here. It's a little different to be the full time staff with a child, when my camp experience has always been the summer staff, playing with full time staff children in spare time. It's a whole new perspective, but I'm very excited about it.

I had my first tiny bit of missing Louisville last night. I was looking at my profile picture which is on Southern's campus, and it made me miss the pretty quad and the green grass. I know when we are fully settled and I begin to set into a routine, I will realize all that has been left behind and miss it a lot for a while. But that's how it works. We always have something to grieve when starting something new. It's inevitable, but I have an amazing husband to love on me while we miss things here and there. But, as for right now, I'd just like this painting to be done!!!

Speeding tickets, calendars and Salvation??

Life is crazy!
2 weeks sounds like such a short time, and we have managed to put something on our calendar for every day of it! Funny thing is, until 3 weeks ago, we were not a "calendar" family. Our life isn't so busy that we can't mentally keep track of things, it's just not us. We are flexible and go with it, and if something requires setting a date early on, we would just use the phone calendar, for a simple reminder. Typically, when the time came, I remembered it anyway. But that's not the way as of lately. It does help the time go quicker when your busy, but at the same time, I truly need a break!

Aaron doesn't have a ton of projects or papers for the end of this semester, and he only has one actual final, however, he has tons of reading, so most of his spare time he has his nose in a book right now. I am finding myself going through times of being overwhelmed, trying to get the small things done, the phone calls, figuring out info for changing banks, health insurance, phone plans, car insurance, etc.

This last week we added a speeding ticket to the mix. However, it was in a school zone and due to the tornado winds the night before, the school zone lights were not flashing. So I spent a few days tracking down proof they were not working and helping iron out the details of what we needed to do for the ticket that Aaron didn't deserve. A funny thing happened during this whole scenario. Aaron wanted to just go ahead and pay it after some thought, which, after I had already done all the chase work, found myself bulking at. After some thought there were two things that came to mind... first, this wasn't my ticket, yet I was happy to do all this detective work and get it figured out, and now, he's throwing it out the window. Second, but it's not your fault!! You don't deserve the ticket, we don't deserve the points on your record or the raised insurance. You've never had a ticket or warning before, we can get this taken away!!

I admit, my second thought was that of pride and a need to win and be right. To prove we didn't do anything wrong. And, after discovering it could take up to 3 months to suppena (spelling?) the officer and reset a court date, Aaron did chose to just pay it and do traffic school to get rid of the points on the record (at least we are hoping that's what happens).

But as for my first thought, as I processed, I discovered my feelings in my "trivial" work on the move. I tend to do the books, the phone calls, the "little" bits and pieces that add up to a few days minute tasks. Aaron tends to do the big picture. Both produce progress and when combined, both get things done that need to be. However, I found this little snow ball rising up, seeing Aaron's thoughts on just paying the ticket as lack of appreciation for the tedious detective work on finding proof of his innocence. Not only that, he is my husband, and this judicial system has another thing coming if they think they can just hand him a ticket undeserving!! I will show them!! (yes, maybe more pride, but that's my man, and he's amazing and honorable, and this just wasn't going over well with me.) But it began to roll over to more then just the ticket, but the other little things I have been trying to accomplish.

The problem with doing the bills and the paperwork is you don't see the progress. When it comes to packing and fixing things or putting things together, there's an obvious progress and success. It's easy to see and because of that, your constantly reminded of the progress. But when it's not tangible, we forget to say thanks, or to realize the lights are still on for a reason. Or that we didn't have to pay a thing for the dental cleaning when we walked out the door because a bill was paid on time once again. (Now don't hear this wrong at all, Aaron is a great encourager and truly does appreciate my work on the budget and bills, and he thanks me for relieving him from doing them, and I also tend to enjoy doing them for some reason.)But as the level of needs builds to all the extra work, the need for visible appreciation builds too, and too often, you don't realize it has built until you realize your feeling neglected.

So what does this have to do with salvation, and why am I, Mrs. anti cliche', taking this illustration to salvation. Well, as I processed and thought and typed this out, I just sort of went there mentally. So I went there in writing too. Wasn't my original intent, but as I vented the past few days out, this was right there to follow it up. My lack of appreciation in my salvation. Again, not that I don't appreciate it, but that I don't appreciate it enough. And as God has to work even harder in me lately, trying to keep my spirit calm, reminding me not to worry for tomorrow and needed to send friends out of their way to give me such encouragement (thanks Jess!! It really was helpful for me!), He deserves the acknowledgement that it's because of him I could sit and worship in the pew this past Easter morning, and share in an Easter lamb supper with my husband, to celebrate a resurrection that took much more then I could ever give. Every day when I wake up once again with security of salvation, it isn't the first thing on my mind. I know it's there, but it's as if I became use to it. Like the lights always turning on when I flip the switch, or the dentist always watching us walk out without having to stop by the check out counter. Or the Bible's all over our home in all different translations and full of different types of resources. I've become use to them.

In college I put verses on the mirror and wrote "pray" in white out pen on my steering wheel, and at first it was great. But after a while I could open my closet without ever seeing that white 3x5 card with the encouraging verse of beauty being on the inside. Had the word "pray" worn off, or did it really become just another part of the car to me? How do you not allow yourself to just "get use to" your salvation? Especially in America??

Just a thought....

Fields of Strawberries

I grew up in NE Ohio, near PA, and if there were any strawberry fields up there, they were probably toxic from all the pollution of the factories. When I moved to South Carolina for college, I heard tails of this illusive strawberry patch, where you could pick your very own strawberries. My heartstrings had been plucked and my imagination envisioned the bright sunny day in a warm field sprinkled with dots of red, luscious strawberries. I'd have my stylish sunglasses, flip flops, cute jeans and a tank, and a sweet woven basket hanging from my elbow... it may even have had a bow on it.

But there was a problem. I was only in SC at the time for college, and strawberry season was in the summer. But I would be there for years to come. Not to worry, right? Well....
summer 2002: Stayed with my sister in FL
2003: Summer mission program through Denver, CO
2004: I DID stay in SC for half of this summer, working at a child care, and the rest in Canada. This may have been my golden moment that I missed. : (
2005 AND 2006: working in NC at the camp
2007: Another golden opportunity missed. I had started living there this year, but worked all summer and was focused on working on my growing relationship with the love of my life... We had too much going on to think about strawberry fields.
2008: The LAST chance in SC. But we had our wedding two days after school was out where I taught, and foot surgery 2 weeks after the honeymoon, leaving me laid up for 6 weeks. Then our great move to Louisville, KY.... They have strawberry fields there, right??

YES! They do! In fact, we have an amazing farm an hour from us, with all kinds of fruits in different seasons, for your very own picking. Not to mention the pumpkin patch in the fall! (Which we did go to this past year with Maddie.) However....
2009: working at a summer camp once again
2010: 9 months pregnant when the season started, and some friends went (one of the ladies, also pregnant, was due a few days before us, and ended up going into labor later that day) but I had to work.... so I wasn't able to go. This summer was filled with new baby experiences, and we scheduled a trip to go with my mom before the season was out, but I had some healing issues and we just didn't make it. This is the closest I have come to that little mental picture....

So, some of you may remember my new years resolution for 2001... to save $10 every month until June, and go strawberry picking. Not that I would need $60 worth of strawberries, but I could get them if I wanted them!! And I planned on using some of that money to buy cans and look up recipes and ways to can the strawberries. We were going to have strawberries to last all the way until next season! I became more determined then ever to go this year.... And then life stepped in. Aaron has been offered and accepted this amazing job, of which I am beyond thrilled and excited about, calling us to move to the middle of nowhere West Texas. It too about a month of excitement and planning before I suddenly realized what this meant to my strawberry dreams.... According to the farm's website, strawberry picking starts the week AFTER we move to Texas... where there will be no strawberries waiting for me.

I find myself mourning this event. I did have two summers where it was practical and available, and I overlooked them. Too busy with life and thinking there would be more summers to come. TWO of my TEN summers were all I had... and I didn't know it. So now, I write this to "let go" if you will. I have come to the resolution that I will not pick strawberries with my little basket with the bow and my stylish sunglasses (which I don't have anyway). I will instead, go live life with my family, which is much more important and deer to me, and just maybe, some day, this simple pleasure in life will stumble across my path once again. Until that day, I will have the faint picture of myself, in the field, with my little girl with red stained lips, swinging a basket with a bow, running through that warm field sprinkled with dots of red, luscious strawberries, my sweet Aaron and I, hand in hand, close behind, just soaking it in... and eating a few strawberries along the way.

...and if you do live near strawberry picking fields... don't overlook their blessing. Indulge.

Couch to 5K in 9 weeks!! Crazy, right!?!

If anyone knows me just a little, even just a teeny tiny bit... they know I DON'T run. I don't jog, I may even be hesitant to power walk. I use to tell people that Jonah ran from God and ended up in the belly of a whale, therefore, running is BAD! I did try the cross country thing for a little bit the very beginning of 9th grade, but something is a little jacked up with my left knee, and now and then it causes minor issues. I think it happened from falling out of a bunk bed at camp when I was little. I also ran into the problem of not eating due to the vigorous workouts every morning, unable to eat before training and too tired to eat after, so I'd go on very little food, and eventually with all of it combined, my body was falling into similarities of anorexia, which can still cause some issues now, if I'm not eating regularly. So, all that to say... no, I don't run.

However, I am goal oriented. Perfect, recent example, Angry Birds!! Aaron has an iphone for work and I have a few simple and brainless games on it, but nothing I'd really play a lot. He was so sweet to inform me he heard of a game from someone at work that I would like, and it was $1, so we downloaded it... thus, "Angry Birds" took over so sneakily... At first it was just a desire to beat all the levels, but then it was to get all the golden eggs, however, some golden eggs are only achievable if you get three stars on ALL the levels in each "world". So then I had to go back and get better scores on all the levels I didn't have three stars!! Then I discovered their are "achievements". Fortunately, before I discovered this, I already had 80% of them. My point is, there is nothing great about angry birds. You can throw a bird 5 times and all five times the bricks or stones or whatever will all fall differently. It's arbitrary and lacks skill or strategy. However, there are thinks you can accomplish, such as beating all levels, getting all the golden eggs, three stars, etc. And as I kept discovering these things, I kept playing. Why? Because I am competitive, and goal oriented. If there really isn't a measurable and tangible goal, I'm not motivated or interested.

Notice, I said measurable and tangible goal. You can tell me to work out for the goal of getting in shape. Right. How well has that worked out for me so far, and for most of you reading this. We all know it's great for you and your lifestyle, but how many of us does that motivate. As of lately I have been feeling the "fat" feeling. Of course, every girl knows, if you feel "fat" for too long, it's accompanied by it's dear friend "ugly". So, "fat" and "ugly" have been trying to hang out around my mirrors lately, and as much as Aaron tries to encourage me, or as many new cute shirts I buy, It's still there. Not to mention the PILE of jeans and dress pants I still can't fit into, 10 months after giving birth.

I've known about the "couch to 5K" program for a while, however, "motivation" was out of town. But, he heard that "fat" and "ugly" were hanging around and has decided to end his little vacation. So, after a few weeks of thinking about it, I finally decided to get going with it. There are great websites for it as well. You can just google it, or go to www.c25K.com which has GREAT links for everything. One of the first links is for the cool runnings website, where you can find the exact program. They also have a log for you to keep your info and such but it costs. But it has the workout plans for the whole 9 weeks on the bottom of the main page for that link. It's really super easy too. There are only 3 workouts a week, but of course you can do it more if you'd like. And they are only 30 minutes. Week one is simply a 5 minute warm up brisk walk, followed by cycles of 1 minute jogging and 2 minutes walking for 20 minutes. Finishing up with a 5 minute walking cool down. You basically end up doing the running/walking cycles 8 times. To make if even better, there are tons of podcasts out there that are free, and for this program. Some have music and some guy comes on now and then to tell you to walk or run, and others only have the voice. You can open your itunes and go to podcasts and search for couch to 5K and they will pop up. I found one that's a "Christian Indie" broadcast. It's free to subscribe and there are programs for every different routine for the couch to 5K program. So you don't even have to watch the clock while your doing the workouts, it's all done for you!! Definitely no excuse now!! So I put it on my ipod and went to the track, with little Maddie in tow.

After the first two cycles of running, I was already doubting this was going to happen today. But when the 4th running cycle started, I realized I was about to be at the half way mark. Great motivation. Not only that, but the music was GREAT!!! I can't emphasize that enough!! It was wonderful and motivating, and I couldn't help but get my focus on God and asking for his help and motivation. I LOVE music to begin with, and I really don't listen to it like I did in college, and Christian music, as cliche as some of it can be, really encourages my spirit a lot! And it really really did today! REALLY!!! So, all that to say, I did it!! I felt so great! Even after the last bit was done, he played one last song and I WANTED to go around the track one more time!! I was even tempted to do it in a jog... but figured I needed to cool down before heading back home. I'm actually excited to go again tomorrow. Of course, we will see how that plays out, as all new things loose their luster, but I have motivation by my side, and fat and ugly need to be put at bay. Not only that, the program is completely done for me, the podcast is free and breaks it down just right, and the guy on the podcast even gives encouragement. The program is broken down in easy, measurable and tangible goals, and the music is super motivating and constantly reminds me that my real motivation is God and keeping his temple in the best condition I can, as well as being a good model for my little girl and a super hottie for my husband!! No excuse now. All I have to do is grab Madison, the stroller, and my ipod. Good stuff!!

I completely recommend this for those who "don't run" but need to be a little better about keeping in shape, and I'd love to know if your going to do it too!! I will loose the motivation as the weeks go by, I am sure, and it will be greatly encouraging to know there are others out there with me, and we can encourage each other. Today is the start of week one, and in 9 weeks I hope I'm blogging about running my first 5K, nonstop!! Won't that be amazing!!

When life comes all at once, you just have to get OCD

I'm not much of a list maker, but when I feel there are too many tasks, I have to have a list. But creating a list and keeping it handy to refer to and mark things off, just isn't enough. If I have something to add, I need to recreate the whole thing. My lists have nothing to do with a feeling of accomplishment, seeing things get marked off. That's simply irritating... it's too messy after a few things are marked off, forcing me to make a new one, once again. Then there is the thought of too many things on the list, so it needs to be reorganized into categories or order of importance. And lets just not admit what happens if I find better paper to put the list on. So, no, I'm not a list person, but I am OCD about my lists. Of course, this is critical right now, where we have so much going on in such a short period of time. (The countdown is down to 5 weeks to be exact!!) So, the other day I found myself creating a calendar, color coded and full of events! As if we don't already have enough to do, I felt it necessary to make sure we each get our due 6 month dental cleaning, my twice a year hair appointment (and Aaron's letting me spoil myself this time with getting my eyebrows done... professionally!) And shopping for some new book shelves and a bathroom set for our second bathroom, since stores will be an hour away where we are going.
... Few.... we have a lot coming up!!

Madison has had a crash course in scheduling this week as well. She put herself on a schedule around 4 months, but when she got sick at 8 months it all went out the window. We finally have our THIRD all clear and healthy as of last Saturday, so I said this random day cycle has to go! After some great talks with a few mommy friends, we started on Monday with a good routine. Changing her from a "snacking" baby to having meals again wasn't too hard, once we got through the first "session". From there she ate a ton and filled herself up long enough to get to the next mealtime. Fortunately, getting her to sleep through the night again has almost been as easy. The first night she woke at 12 and 4, which was becoming pretty typical, and we put her back down right away and she had to cry it out. The first one only took 7 minutes, and it went from screaming to silence in a second flat, which made me wonder what in the world was wrong. The second time took almost 30 minutes, but we made it... although, I'd be lieing if I didn't say I felt like a bad mommy after. But it paid off. Tuesday she slept through the night, and the rest of the nights she has only woke once and went back down pretty easily and quickly! I feel like mommy of the year!! She seems to really like routines as well. I know some babies just never really care for them, but fortunately she does! It makes things much more simple and predictable, and I do better with it, and she seems as though she does as well. Thank goodness!!

Madison has also started trying to stand suddenly! She is bravely letting go after pulling herself up and her new average is between 30 and 45 seconds before she either sits or grabs a hold of something again. She really wants to pick her feet up, but just can't figure it out... it typically ends with her bending her knee and leaning the way she wants to go. She will be walking on her own in no time! But for tonight, hoping for solid sleep without waking up till morning... wouldn't that be great!! Especially since Aaron's getting back from Colorado between 2 and 3 in the morning... excited to have him back home!!

AMAZING recipe! minimal ingredients, prep and dishes!!

So if you've read my 30 by 30 list, you know I'm trying to learn a ton of new recipes. If you know me, I am a creature of habit when it comes to food, but my wonderful husband is NOT! And, as I think of a LIFETIME with him, and how we have NO fast food, takeout, or grocery stores near us in Texas, I need to venture out a little. So, the last time I went grocery shopping I pulled out a few favorite cookbooks and built every meal on the shopping list around brand new recipes. Most have turned out ok, but this one was sooooo good, we ate it Monday, and then again today (Wednesday)! So I thought I would share it with anyone willing to read what I have to say... so I can give a little back! : ) If you try it, let me know how it goes!!

This recipe has about 30 minutes prep time, which is pretty simple stuff, but you will be getting raw meat on your hands for sure! All ingredients should be right there in your home pretty regularly, except leeks, which are amazingly cheap and come in bundles of three, and I only needed two. And of course the meat. This may be annoying, but I figured as the recipe goes on, I will add my little tidbits or tweeks on the few things I did, and of course, I have pictures of this beautiful food!!

Added Note from experience: we had the meat tonight that I comment on saying it was just a thing of "flat" beef that I found, and though still good, the meat we used from the roast was much better. I just bought some sort of roast (specific, I know) and cut it into thin slices, having about six or 7 rolls in the end. And, tonight we used a thai red pepper sauce type stuff (A.K.A. sweet and sour sauce) and it was an amazing compliment to the meat!! And don't overcook the meat, make sure it's at least a little tender.

HERBED BEEF PINWHEELS
Preheat oven to 350
serves 4
prep time 30 min. cook time 1 1/2 hours.

Nutritional facts per serving:
355 cal., 15 grams total fat (4 grams saturated), 53 mg. chol., 722 mg. sodium, 30 g. carbo., 4 g. fiber, 25 g. protein, Daily values: 7% vit. C, 6% calcium, 27% iron.

Ingredients:
1 to 1 1/4 pound beef flank steak (I couldn't find this specifically. the first time I made it I just got a roast and cut it into thin slices and it turned out wonderful. The second time I found Beef top roast. I just looked for a big thin piece of flat beef. I then put it between two pieces of wax paper and used a rolling pin to thin it out a little more... worked wonderfully and easily.)
2 Tablespoons olive oil
2 medium leeks (in the produce section and look like large green onions. Usually in bundles of three.)
2 cloves garlic, minced (I just used garlic powder since we always have it, and just used an amount that looked like the amount of garlic we like on stuff.)
3 Tablespoons basil (you can used fresh snipped basil if you'd like, but we have the seasoning on hand, so I used that. Turned out fine.)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
2 yukon gold potatoes (I just used red potatoes. We like them better)
1 medium to large onion
1 14 1/2 oz. can diced tomatoes with basil, oregano, and garlic (walmart brand just says seasoned tomatoes.)
Twine of some sort (this is to tie the meat and will be put in the oven. I used some craft twine that I had from old school craft supplies. Looks like hemp and kids use it for bracelets.)

Directions: I've put these in the basic, easiest order of completion (that I found)

1. Cut a few feet of twine and place in bowl of water to soak during prep. Later you will cut this into varied lengths to tie around meat.

2. Prepare meat (rolling it thin if needed) by making shallow parallel cuts about an inch apart along the meat. Then do in the opposite direction to create diamond shapes over the meat. Do this to both sides of meat. (helps when rolling the meat.)

3. Cut onions into thin wedges and potatoes into wedges or chunks that are your preferred size. place in a 2 quart rectangular baking dish.

4. Cut leeks. (I have pictures included, but I didn't know how to do this so I looked online at some videos.) Cut off the base and the "leafy" stuff on the leak. You will use the stalk part. Rinse well and slice in half long ways. hold it together so the layers don't fall apart. Slice long ways one more time so it's in quarter. Then cut thin strips going from one end to other. (not sure how to really describe this.) You will have a bunch of skinny things that look like fingernails as the layers fall apart as you cut. (see picture)


5. heat 1 tablespoon oil in medium skillet. Add leeks and garlic, Stirring occasionally, cook 3-5 minutes until leeks are tender. Add basil, salt and pepper. Mix and remove from heat.

6. Spread leek mixture evenly on one side of steak. Starting at shorter end, tightly roll meat into tight spiral and tie string on each end to hold together. Depending on how long your roll is, you may want to tie in the middle as well.






7. In same skillet, heat remaining 1 tablespoon of oil over medium heat. Brown meat on all sides by slowly rolling it in hot skillet. (this also lets all the goodies still stuck to the skillet get on the meat as well.... yum.) Transfer meat to baking dish with potatoes and onions. You can put it on top of them, or make room for the meat between. You can also wait to put the meat in the dish first and just toss potatoes and onions on top.

8. Pour undrained tomatoes over beef and vegetables. (I don't like cooked tomatoes much, so I didn't use the whole can and may leave them out next time around to see if it changes flavor much.)



9. Bake uncovered at 35o for about 1 1/4 hours to 1 1/2 hours or until beef is tender. Remove the string and cut meat into serving size pieces and serve with potatoes and onions.



To prepare ahead:
Score and pound meat. Prepare leek filling and spread on meat. Roll up ad tie but do not brown meat. Wrap tightly in plastic wrap and place in refrigerator for up to 24 hours. To cook, brown meat roll in hot oil in skillet. Transfer meat to baking dish with vegetables and bake as directed above.

Being a mommy is NOT for the faint of heart.

If there is anything I have learned in this, being a new mommy can be rough. I'd like to think right now we are in the golden stage of "baby", and I'm loving it. Her personality, quirks, desire to "fake" for attention or a funny face from mommy and daddy, and still her need for mommy's cuddles above everyone else is just about too much for my little heartstrings to take. But the last 9 and a half months have been a whirlwind in this life change.

Our first three months were exhausting, and if you have talked to me on this topic, you know how I feel about the first three months with a new baby! Looking back I can't help but think how it really wasn't too bad, listing the things we dealt with. But the emotional toll it was for me seems incredible. I hate to say I was "depressed", because that carries with it the stigma of post pardome depression and the stories that make national news. You know the ones I am talking about. It also gives a sense of defeat for me. I wanted to tackle this with everything I had, and come out on the other side shining. The one people talk about saying, "You'd never even know she just had a baby" or "I hope it's that easy for me". Instead, I found I had nothing left in the midst of it all, counting down days until I knew it was suppose to get "better". Let me clarify, it wasn't my sweet little baby, it was the sleep deprivation, the unavailable first pediatrician, the thrush that wasn't thrush, the unwillingness to nurse, issues with my body healing, the guilt of using a bottle, the incredible pain I constantly had in my chest: during nursing and between, the sleep deprivation, the formula debate, more guilt, the harder efforts to tackle the thrush that ended up not really existing, sleep deprivation, the bad mommy/bad wife guilt, I could probably go on, but I will save you the time.

When I think of having a second, I am not fazed by the months of wearing pregnancy. Bring on the hours of another drug free, bloody scream filled labor. But those first three months....

I guess I've had all of this inside me and just needed to get it out. I guess to process or "debreaf" if you will. It was really a big deal and took a lot from me. Not the type of taking that you can't get back, but the type that lets you see who you really are when your stripped down. Where do you find your strength, who is your core support, are you willing to ask for help from those constantly offering it, without feeling like a failure or an inconvenience? Are you willing to go out or talk to others without putting on that "I'm completely put together 24/7" mask. And then, putting aside the guilt you have with yourself. To stop beating yourself up because you don't have it all under control. That's hard for me.

Some say being a mom is the hardest thing you will ever do... I don't disagree, but I would revamp it a little. I think it comes in stages, because right now, my little girl is the sweetest, thing I could have in my day. Other then my amazing husband of course.

That feels good to get off my chest. Let's move on.